Posts Tagged ‘state fair’

If the soul could speak…

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I lost my wiener at the State Fair.

I just stood there with the stick still in my hand as the fluff of buttery batter goodness stared up at me, all naked. I looked down and the rest of my wiener just laid there on the ground, cold and jilted. Oh well, I made up for it with a frozen lemonade later.

Hey, Big Tex!Yes folks. It’s fair time again and I will have to admit that this is only the second year I’ve been to the fair. My folks weren’t that into it when I was a young J. My father just claims he wanted to see the livestock but apparently I wasn’t excited at the idea of smelling pig shit. I’m finally braving the fair because having a media pass makes it a little easier and gives you a reason to go being that it’s kinda work-related. And of course the corny dogs are another motivation. But you can’t just go to any corny dog pagoda. No. No. It’s gotta be the one that has the word FAMOUS emblazoned on it. And little ketchup and mustard kiosks all around. It’s like a little wiener heaven.

Right out of the gate I have to tell you that the carnies that greet you and direct you where to park are sheer caricatures of themselves — people you would think of in a comedy sketch or something. Each with personalities topping one another. One older gentleman kept calling me baby as we drove though the credentials line. And one lady with no teeth flagged down my car as we were leaving, yelling at me “DON’T GO THAT WAY. HEY! DON’T GO THAT WAY!” We shivered in fear.

Anywho, back to the food. Don’t try anything called “fried cookie dough.” If you don’t believe me, here’s a picture of it. That stuff will turn your stomach. Luckily I just tasted my coworker’s batch. And that small bite was enough. You just can’t FRY everything. Why do YUCK!!!fairs think they can fry everything? I mean I saw fried queso, fried guacamole, fried coke (which I tried as well and nearly ralphed at the picnic table. It swims in syrup at the bottom! How gross is that?) and at one point I was expecting to see fried chitterlings  (not impossible) or fried beer (hum, that wouldn’t be so bad.) Every year I think the fair tries to top itself on the yuck factor.

But my old standard turkey leg and funnel cake can never go wrong so this week I’m partaking — if anything just to erase last weekend’s food disasters from my brain. But damn this all gets expensive. For every dollar you spend on coupons you are losing like five. Wait. That’s not right. It just feels that way. I spent 10 coupons on a lousy margarita (not recommended if it comes out of one of those punch-type fountains) which really means I spent five bucks. What a waste. By the time I got on the Skyway I lost my 5-minute buzz. Just enough to half-way enjoy a mediocre car show where a NFL truck with a plasma, grill, and pigskin seats in the shape of footballs with little televisions in the headrests is what Texans call luxury.

Wait, back to food. Picture about 90 degrees out, sun blazing, and a parking lot full of steaming, spicy chili. Not really the best time of year for it but did I ever sample. I’m usually funny about eating a stranger’s food but for some reason free in the midst of State Fair highway robbery just appeals to me. By the time we waddled to my car, I was just thinking about the gut busting that would possibly follow that night. Hasn’t hit me yet. But hopefully if it does, it will wait until after work.