Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

I don’t want to be a hooker, but…

$4,300 for one night of the horizontal hula? Man. That’s some easy money. Well not so easy for New York governor Eliot Spitzer. You all know the story.

Shameless…

What kind of prostitute is awesome enough for nearly $5,000? I mean does she have a special skill? Does she wear something that makes men drop their pants and their wallets? I need to know this gal’s secret because I feel like it’s the key to everything. Like finding the fountain of youth. Or a safe weight-loss pill that works.

All joking aside, I’m sure everyone reading this is asking “WTF?” when you saw Spitzer’s poor wife Silda standing there, I mean standing RIGHT THERE next to that loser during his press conference. Way to put women back 50 years, lady. If it were me, and I know they have children, I would have held a much different press conference. By myself. And nothing but my lawyers and publisher in tow. Just because you have children to consider doesn’t mean that you have to put yourself aside to save face for the family. What about YOUR face? What about what it does to YOUR soul putting up with such embarrassingly public indiscretions. It’s enough to make you want to puke.

I can’t wait until we see this ho’ that Eliot had on loan (he actually had a balance with this service.) I bet she’s not all that. It’s just got to be something magical she keeps in a velvet bag and smells of fairy dust. Come on people. $4,300! No nookie can be THAT good to risk this kind of exposure — pardon the pun.

Hahahah! Kitty feels guilty.

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Video: Your lowercase “t” is showing…

Since I’ve been in the doldrums of political madness this week, I’m going to post a slice of funny. Well. I hope it’s funny anyway. Here is a video we shot for work that shows me, the “Eligible Editor” (blah) and her friend getting their handwriting analyzed.

Here’s what I can tell you that wasn’t kid-friendly or good for tape:

1. My “y’s” show that I have a high sex drive. Hum.

2. My “t’s” show that I have a slight self-esteem problem. Really?! I didn’t think I did but maybe that’s just something you don’t really know but just get told to you?

3. Apparently I don’t really have high standards when it comes to men. I don’t know about now but that sure does explain my past flubs!!

Click the pic and enjoy…

http://www.neighborsgo.com/video/618

 

Stripper tax?

Short and sweet…

The state of Texas (my “lovely” home) will more than likely begin implementing a tax on strip club cover charges. Seeing how there usually isn’t a clamoring of support for “sin,” I’m doubting this new law won’t take affect despite the efforts of business owners. How much are we talking about you might ask? FIVE DOLLARS! That may not sound like a lot but that charge is ON TOP (pardon the pun) of what the clubs already charge.

Well, I obviously don’t frequent such places. (insert smug grin here) However, I’m not opposed to gentleman’s clubs even though I think the world can live without them. Mainly I just feel that in America everyone has the right to legal business. And strip joints fall under that category. Just don’t put one next to an elementary school.

I suspect that strip club owners would like to keep the cover charge somewhat low. That way the drinks will keep flowing. The tips keep spilling. The money that will come from the tax will supposedly go to help uninsured folks and sexual assault prevention programs. But yea. We’ll see.

Did the devil spike my cookie?

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While scrummaging around in my closet yesterday getting ready for the company Christmas party, I found an old fortune from who knows how long ago. It reads:

Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome…

Is it wrong that I took this to mean when it comes to men? I think I’ve been mischievous before and I appear to still be single. Let me check…

Yep. Single.

Anyway as I’ve said before the holidays are not the times many people are keeping up with blogging so I don’t know if anyone is even reading this, but I just had to write about this fortune. Not only is the scripture odd, but it’s not your typical fortune.

Most fortunes, even the really good ones you get from Pei Wei, always say something like being good to get what you want or paying it back or some other kind of funky foretelling. But to be mischievous? That sounds like an evil fortune. Did the devil spike my cookie? I wonder if I did something mischievous when I originally opened that cookie…

Does this mean I need to be all about sex and whatnot? Or does this mean that I’ve just got to kick up the sexy? I don’t know that I need to take cues from a fortune, of course. Especially one found on my floor that was possibly from two years ago that probably fell out of my jewelry box. But the coincidence that I found it just before that party is a strange one.

And I don’t know if I was fueled by it or not but I was up to a bit of mischief last night. The fortune was right. But I am pretty sure I was not alone with a potential suitor. (If that is even what “not being lonesome” meant in this particular case of odd fortune.) More like a fairly amusing night of my laughing too loud, sneaking an ill-gotten tequila shot with a coworker by the pool, talking inappropriately at a late dinner with other coworker friends and their boyfriends, and then a drive home — alone.

I have saved that fortune though. For a later date.

STD free is the life for me…

casual-sex-day.JPGThat may sound like a cheesy PSA or after-school special. But damn it’s so true. Being a single chick in this day and age of crazy STD stats is a tough sport. You kind of feel like saying, “It’s hard out here for a pimp…

Because man, even though I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things your mama says you shouldn’t, I’m not really feeling like risking things. I get tested every year. And every year feels like, *coughs* dodging a bullet, even when you know you stayed safe. Do I really have to discuss the reliability, or lack there of, when it comes to protection? I hate the word abstinence but I like my life. So if I’m not catching my share of worth-a-crap fish, I’m not going to risk my health on a quick swim. What’s a girl to do when she has a healthy appetite? Good thing I don’t live in Alabama.

Some may say that the stats big bad government gives us are exaggerated. However I highly doubt it. Mainly because it seems like two out of every five people I’ve ever met in my life have or had an STD. I don’t need to Google or go to the library for reinforcements here. That alone is enough. Why is sex so appealing? What a dumb question.

What I should really be asking is why does sex have to be so damn cursed? If you believe in Genesis, then maybe Eve can be our theory. Eve messed up royally grabbing that apple. 280px-shemaylookcleanbut.jpgWas that the beginning of crabs? Did she and Adam get an itchy rash after sharing the bittersweet fruit? I’m not aiming at being blasphemous. I’m really asking. There has to be traceable origin of the first STD which I’m guessing was syphilis. Any STD scholars out there? The ladies over at The Blog of Knowledge have some fun and usable sex-filled advice. Maybe I should ask them… 

But I’ve really digressed. I just want to state the obvious: I have embraced and ranted about being a single gal but we all have needs — even defiant bitches like me. Some folks will tell you to get a FB. I’m not big into the FB stuff. It never ends well and someone always ends up wanting more…OR when the other gets a girlfriend or boyfriend, there went your easy access to booty.

Do I really have to get in a serious relationship to feel safe? And even when you do, man…don’t get me started on cheating. Gee after writing about it, sex seems like too much trouble…

 Here’s a victory dance…

 

It was Day 4 and damn I’m sore

I haven’t been this sore since the last time I got laid. And I won’t be telling anyone when that was.

Day 3 wore me out so Day 4 consisted of me saying ouch every time I moved. Ah. So nice to be working those sad muscles back in. But I know when to take it easy. Here’s to Day 5. And knowing a Friday, drinks may follow or precede the elliptical machine.

How counter productive to the fat/calorie-burning mission…unless I refresh myself on the last time I was this sore!

Want to get lucky?

Go to Birmingham, MI. You’ll find some lovin’ there.

Seriously, this is just a plug for Maps For Us. Sheer brilliance.

I need to come up with a great map.

UPDATED: Just for Chris, my dear wonderful reader. I’m giving this link to a map to an asshat neighbor’s house. Come on Chris! Isn’t it just a little fun? Just a little?

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