Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

I don’t want to be a hooker, but…

$4,300 for one night of the horizontal hula? Man. That’s some easy money. Well not so easy for New York governor Eliot Spitzer. You all know the story.

Shameless…

What kind of prostitute is awesome enough for nearly $5,000? I mean does she have a special skill? Does she wear something that makes men drop their pants and their wallets? I need to know this gal’s secret because I feel like it’s the key to everything. Like finding the fountain of youth. Or a safe weight-loss pill that works.

All joking aside, I’m sure everyone reading this is asking “WTF?” when you saw Spitzer’s poor wife Silda standing there, I mean standing RIGHT THERE next to that loser during his press conference. Way to put women back 50 years, lady. If it were me, and I know they have children, I would have held a much different press conference. By myself. And nothing but my lawyers and publisher in tow. Just because you have children to consider doesn’t mean that you have to put yourself aside to save face for the family. What about YOUR face? What about what it does to YOUR soul putting up with such embarrassingly public indiscretions. It’s enough to make you want to puke.

I can’t wait until we see this ho’ that Eliot had on loan (he actually had a balance with this service.) I bet she’s not all that. It’s just got to be something magical she keeps in a velvet bag and smells of fairy dust. Come on people. $4,300! No nookie can be THAT good to risk this kind of exposure — pardon the pun.

Hahahah! Kitty feels guilty.

Video: Your lowercase “t” is showing…

Since I’ve been in the doldrums of political madness this week, I’m going to post a slice of funny. Well. I hope it’s funny anyway. Here is a video we shot for work that shows me, the “Eligible Editor” (blah) and her friend getting their handwriting analyzed.

Here’s what I can tell you that wasn’t kid-friendly or good for tape:

1. My “y’s” show that I have a high sex drive. Hum.

2. My “t’s” show that I have a slight self-esteem problem. Really?! I didn’t think I did but maybe that’s just something you don’t really know but just get told to you?

3. Apparently I don’t really have high standards when it comes to men. I don’t know about now but that sure does explain my past flubs!!

Click the pic and enjoy…

http://www.neighborsgo.com/video/618

 

Stripper tax?

Short and sweet…

The state of Texas (my “lovely” home) will more than likely begin implementing a tax on strip club cover charges. Seeing how there usually isn’t a clamoring of support for “sin,” I’m doubting this new law won’t take affect despite the efforts of business owners. How much are we talking about you might ask? FIVE DOLLARS! That may not sound like a lot but that charge is ON TOP (pardon the pun) of what the clubs already charge.

Well, I obviously don’t frequent such places. (insert smug grin here) However, I’m not opposed to gentleman’s clubs even though I think the world can live without them. Mainly I just feel that in America everyone has the right to legal business. And strip joints fall under that category. Just don’t put one next to an elementary school.

I suspect that strip club owners would like to keep the cover charge somewhat low. That way the drinks will keep flowing. The tips keep spilling. The money that will come from the tax will supposedly go to help uninsured folks and sexual assault prevention programs. But yea. We’ll see.

Did the devil spike my cookie?

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While scrummaging around in my closet yesterday getting ready for the company Christmas party, I found an old fortune from who knows how long ago. It reads:

Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome…

Is it wrong that I took this to mean when it comes to men? I think I’ve been mischievous before and I appear to still be single. Let me check…

Yep. Single.

Anyway as I’ve said before the holidays are not the times many people are keeping up with blogging so I don’t know if anyone is even reading this, but I just had to write about this fortune. Not only is the scripture odd, but it’s not your typical fortune.

Most fortunes, even the really good ones you get from Pei Wei, always say something like being good to get what you want or paying it back or some other kind of funky foretelling. But to be mischievous? That sounds like an evil fortune. Did the devil spike my cookie? I wonder if I did something mischievous when I originally opened that cookie…

Does this mean I need to be all about sex and whatnot? Or does this mean that I’ve just got to kick up the sexy? I don’t know that I need to take cues from a fortune, of course. Especially one found on my floor that was possibly from two years ago that probably fell out of my jewelry box. But the coincidence that I found it just before that party is a strange one.

And I don’t know if I was fueled by it or not but I was up to a bit of mischief last night. The fortune was right. But I am pretty sure I was not alone with a potential suitor. (If that is even what “not being lonesome” meant in this particular case of odd fortune.) More like a fairly amusing night of my laughing too loud, sneaking an ill-gotten tequila shot with a coworker by the pool, talking inappropriately at a late dinner with other coworker friends and their boyfriends, and then a drive home — alone.

I have saved that fortune though. For a later date.

STD free is the life for me…

casual-sex-day.JPGThat may sound like a cheesy PSA or after-school special. But damn it’s so true. Being a single chick in this day and age of crazy STD stats is a tough sport. You kind of feel like saying, “It’s hard out here for a pimp…

Because man, even though I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things your mama says you shouldn’t, I’m not really feeling like risking things. I get tested every year. And every year feels like, *coughs* dodging a bullet, even when you know you stayed safe. Do I really have to discuss the reliability, or lack there of, when it comes to protection? I hate the word abstinence but I like my life. So if I’m not catching my share of worth-a-crap fish, I’m not going to risk my health on a quick swim. What’s a girl to do when she has a healthy appetite? Good thing I don’t live in Alabama.

Some may say that the stats big bad government gives us are exaggerated. However I highly doubt it. Mainly because it seems like two out of every five people I’ve ever met in my life have or had an STD. I don’t need to Google or go to the library for reinforcements here. That alone is enough. Why is sex so appealing? What a dumb question.

What I should really be asking is why does sex have to be so damn cursed? If you believe in Genesis, then maybe Eve can be our theory. Eve messed up royally grabbing that apple. 280px-shemaylookcleanbut.jpgWas that the beginning of crabs? Did she and Adam get an itchy rash after sharing the bittersweet fruit? I’m not aiming at being blasphemous. I’m really asking. There has to be traceable origin of the first STD which I’m guessing was syphilis. Any STD scholars out there? The ladies over at The Blog of Knowledge have some fun and usable sex-filled advice. Maybe I should ask them… 

But I’ve really digressed. I just want to state the obvious: I have embraced and ranted about being a single gal but we all have needs — even defiant bitches like me. Some folks will tell you to get a FB. I’m not big into the FB stuff. It never ends well and someone always ends up wanting more…OR when the other gets a girlfriend or boyfriend, there went your easy access to booty.

Do I really have to get in a serious relationship to feel safe? And even when you do, man…don’t get me started on cheating. Gee after writing about it, sex seems like too much trouble…

 Here’s a victory dance…

 

It was Day 4 and damn I’m sore

I haven’t been this sore since the last time I got laid. And I won’t be telling anyone when that was.

Day 3 wore me out so Day 4 consisted of me saying ouch every time I moved. Ah. So nice to be working those sad muscles back in. But I know when to take it easy. Here’s to Day 5. And knowing a Friday, drinks may follow or precede the elliptical machine.

How counter productive to the fat/calorie-burning mission…unless I refresh myself on the last time I was this sore!

Want to get lucky?

Go to Birmingham, MI. You’ll find some lovin’ there.

Seriously, this is just a plug for Maps For Us. Sheer brilliance.

I need to come up with a great map.

UPDATED: Just for Chris, my dear wonderful reader. I’m giving this link to a map to an asshat neighbor’s house. Come on Chris! Isn’t it just a little fun? Just a little?

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I’m answering your questions.

Because I’m in a strange Sunday mood, I’ve decided to give simple answers to your burning questions. More to the point, the questions listed on my search engine stats. I hope they will be of use to you and maybe to those who have sadly stumbled onto my blog searching for real advice.

Got a search engine quesiton?1.) should I date a coworker of another race?

Well I say who cares about the color. The main issue you need to consider is if it’s wise to date your coworker. The race is irrelevant. Whoever you are, get your priorities in order.

2.) how to have affair married man

Geez. That isn’t too hard. Dress the part. Sit at the bar. Wait. And mention that you have condoms in your handbag. Then shut the hell up about it to your friends because they will be your worst enemy if they find out.

3.) how to keep a married man around

Hum. If you have to ask then you have been pushed aside for the other tart at the bar. Time to move on toots. Get a hobby or something.

4.) why do animals lay at my feet

Depends. Do your feet smell? Seriously. Animals love smells. And things that smell odd or yucky to us, they just seem to love. This may also be because you are a very lovable person and they just want some snuggle time.

5.) married man mistress breaking up with me

Ahahahahahah! I have no advice. Maybe you should have not cheated on your wife in the first place.

6.) WHY A PEDICURE

Because people hate feet for the most part unless you have a foot fetish. I choose not to go to salons anymore for a pedi and do it myself. You can read about it here.

7.) that the purpose of life is work argument

Yep. For me my purpose has proven time and time again to be work related. But that isn’t true for everyone. There are all the Mother Teresas in the world. Like Miss Jolie. *choked on vomit*

8.) How do black women feel about aging?

Well as the saying goes, black don’t crack. I think black women aren’t worried about their appearance while aging. But I think everyone, not just women of course, are always worried about aging. Some people truly embrace it as I hope to do as I tackle my fear of turning 30.

9.) white men will date asian women but not

But not what? Next question.

10.) wife prefers black men

Well grow a pair and leave her.

11.) how black women make love to a white guy

Hum. Well. We don’t really have any different parts from white chicks so figure it out. Maybe you wanted to read, “Ooh baby, we like it rough.” Or “Wez really freaky in the bedroom, yo.” Next racially charged question.

12.) are black women looked down upon by whit

Ask and you shall receive. Looks like another black/white question. Well black women are looked down upon if they let themselves be looked down upon. People do what they want around here and looking down is just one of the wonderful things humanity has to offer.

13.) letting go of a narcissist

Just stop listening and piss them off with your honesty.

14.) Black men don’t want black women

Oh. Really. Well I’m not worried about it. Why should you? Grow a pair and step out of your comfort zone.

15.) why does every movie I watch have a whit

Because of The Man.

16.) how to date white men

Go to Hooters. Ah. I’m kidding. Well, I think just stay open-minded. If you’ve snagged a white man and you are a black chick like me, it really shouldn’t be any different than shagging I mean snagging any other race. Man. Why are people so concerned with this?

17.) I dated a black women

Good for you. And I think you meant to type woman.

18.) why do married couple cheat

I’m still trying to answer this question myself. But I guess it’s like really digging candy. But your favorite kind is getting old to you and you heard about another candy you may enjoy a whole lot more. However, just in case it tastes bad, you don’t want to let go of the old candy. Not just yet.

19.) hobby lobby is a horrible place to work

Not really a question but I will say that it’s a horrible place to shop or get pictures framed.

20.) wanna live like a dog

Me too.

There were lots of others but they were variations of the same sexually charged, racially divided nature. Have a question?

Use the form below. If you want it answered privately, say so.

Here is one question from Frontier Former Editor: Dear mother of god, from under what rock or deadfall did the questioners in this last post crawl?

A) I wish I could answer this question. But what I can say to you dear Frontier is that we would probably be amazed that it could be the neighbor next door or your kid’s school teacher.

we don’t have to take our clothes off…

Remember that Jermaine Stewart song? If you don’t, feel free to enjoy the cheese below.

But that is a lie. I think I’ve probably had some good times with my clothes on but with people finding any way possible to get naked, this one-hit wonder is obviously inaccurate. I’m not going to write all about Vanessa. You can get your share of it from the last 24 or so hours of eager bloggers posting at WordPress. But I will say this: What bothered me most about the picture of that ex-Disney Diva (her halo has been tarnished no matter how many more Disney flicks she does) in all her “glory” wasn’t her boobies. It was that her drapes and bedroom set didn’t quite match when I think she tried for it to. And I actually mean her decor, not her privates. That and the fact that I think I noticed a Target lamp. And there is something metal and unidentifiable on her wall that I couldn’t quite make out. Isn’t she supposed to be rich? And couldn’t she find a better camera to snap her stuff with that produces perfect lighting, zoom and pixels? Maybe the little punks of High School Musical didn’t get paid as much as I thought…

Anyway, who gives a rats about nakedness? Why is America so damn uptight? Man, when Janet Jackson let loose her areola you would have thought the Anti-Christ had finally arrived. Doesn’t this nation pride itself on expression and freedom? I guess not.

To me the main reason for clothes is because no one wants to see my thighs in action. That and I think there is some really unknown story in the Bible that you just never hear from passionate fundamentalists that has something to do about gaining knowledge or something. Geez. I don’t care if I see someone nude. To me it’s like saying I can’t stand seeing myself in the mirror. We all have tits. Butts. Big and small bellies. Well in America, mostly big ones.

I’m willing to bet money I don’t really have (unless you want to visit my shop, tee hee) that every last one of you have taken a “naughty” pic of yourself for or with your significant other. The difference is, when you are a celebrity, you get the chance to share it for some Google juice, to escape being type-casted or to get a quick coke fix of publicity.

I don’t care. Why does America care? Am I not an American? Hum, how many times can I say America in this post? America…

Too good not to post…I love my LOL generator!

 


Update: This post is currently like 96 on Top Posts. However, it has disappeared from most of the tags I posted it in. To test something, I reposted it under another title  for a while and sure enough it was in all the tags I listed. Weird. WordPress messes with me sometimes. And I’m sure I’ve been replaced already by Wet for Went.

On August 20 I was a growing blog…

Ah. It’s like a nice and distant memory. Just happy to say it happend once!

So what’s the key to being a growing blog?

So far I’ve noticed that the more religion or controversy (but with a little tact) the better. Oh and it doesn’t hurt to throw in sex and technology. If you do all four at the same time, then you are a genius! Politics: no brainer. And if you mix it up with sex, definite win but gee with the way politics are, both are pretty much synonymous!

Splice in some Facebook talk and a dash of sports.

If you live in New York: bonus points. If you live in New York and write about it: guaranteed win. If you are someone trying to nip at the heels of worthless celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton, triple points. Especially if you mostly cover black celebrities.

If you are a crazed fan who is obsessed with a hottie from Prison Break, you are golden.

There you have it. I will keep adding to this list. Feel free to add to it as well. I’ll give you credit for it.

Here are some so far. There are also some ideas in the comments section…

“For Google juice use a nice long list of celebrities.
Today I used celebrities who have tried to commit suicide (via Mental_floss.)”
goinglikesixty

“Generally, the more people I annoy, the higher my technorati ranking.

Also, being an entomologist the week of a giant spider web occurred in Texas helped :)”Bug Girl

“Sex, celebrity and a damn good title.. It’s all in the titles.” — Paul Baylay

“It would also be good to be an atheist and throw in a little religion bashing (even better just focus on the Christians). Atheism is like the new craze or something like that.” — Bacony Goodness