Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

I don’t want to be a hooker, but…

$4,300 for one night of the horizontal hula? Man. That’s some easy money. Well not so easy for New York governor Eliot Spitzer. You all know the story.


What kind of prostitute is awesome enough for nearly $5,000? I mean does she have a special skill? Does she wear something that makes men drop their pants and their wallets? I need to know this gal’s secret because I feel like it’s the key to everything. Like finding the fountain of youth. Or a safe weight-loss pill that works.

All joking aside, I’m sure everyone reading this is asking “WTF?” when you saw Spitzer’s poor wife Silda standing there, I mean standing RIGHT THERE next to that loser during his press conference. Way to put women back 50 years, lady. If it were me, and I know they have children, I would have held a much different press conference. By myself. And nothing but my lawyers and publisher in tow. Just because you have children to consider doesn’t mean that you have to put yourself aside to save face for the family. What about YOUR face? What about what it does to YOUR soul putting up with such embarrassingly public indiscretions. It’s enough to make you want to puke.

I can’t wait until we see this ho’ that Eliot had on loan (he actually had a balance with this service.) I bet she’s not all that. It’s just got to be something magical she keeps in a velvet bag and smells of fairy dust. Come on people. $4,300! No nookie can be THAT good to risk this kind of exposure — pardon the pun.

Hahahah! Kitty feels guilty.

The married man

Not too long ago I had a business lunch with someone I could tell right away as “my type.” I’m not one to really have a laundry list of things that make up a type for me because what I find attractive varies — and varies often. But then there are times like this one in particular…

First off, a great smile. Intelligence and humor. Great taste. Conversation. All of this I notice five minutes into the meeting. The first thing I do when many of these things come up as I encounter the opposite sex — in any situation — is I immediately, very slyly glance to see if he’s packin.’ But when I say packin’ I don’t mean anything other than if he’s got a ring! And more likely than not, he usually does. And so did this guy. I’m not about to preach on the whole “all the good ones are taken” thing. I think there are all kinds of great singles out there. I just don’t encounter them in my day to day. But who I do encounter are married men.

If you asked me who my “ideal” man was, I could probably give you a list if you really wanted it. However, I would have a hard time because like I said, it can vary and because I’m such an almost A.D.D. type of person I may tell you honesty is the most important thing and then if you asked me again I would say a sense of humor. In past cyber surfing attempts trying to find a match, I used the blanket script of honesty as my main focus. And somewhere in there I say something about being able to “keep up with me” or some other bullshit kind of entry. What doesn’t help, and this isn’t me coming close to bragging, is that when there seems to be a connection with someone, (not in my recent case) the guy quickly says some variation of this, “If I wasn’t married…” I never take this as an advance for a possible affair. I can’t stand the idea as you may have read in this rant. And many moons ago when I was a hostess in a semi-upscale and “trendy” restaurant, I was more or less propositioned to be a mistress which I took much offense to. Still there is the rub.Between attracting and being attracted to married men, my single life is kind of blah. I mean I am not going into the whole woe is me.

But just picture this scenario: You know how if you go to a party or a barbecue and you reach for a cold beverage from a very filled to the brim cooler packed with ice? However you can’t exactly see what you want because all of the drinks are buried in the ice. So you reach blindly, plummeting your arm into the cold, ice-water mess but all you keep picking out are the drinks you don’t want. Even though you know the drinks you truly want are somewhere below all the ones you keep getting a frozen arm over in the meantime. OK, that may or may not have made sense? Anyway, maybe this is why people cheat? Are many people in marriages they shouldn’t be in, all the while the “right” person for them is sitting at home alone? I know there are plenty of happily married people. But if it were that simple, the divorce rate wouldn’t be a common topic or defense for unwed folks.

Is marriage a rite of passage?

With all this recent talk in my blog about marriage, I just have to wonder something about the rites of passage we encounter.

There are all these small and momentous moments in our lives. The small ones are simple enough: Tying your shoes for the first time, making your own lunch for school, walking to the bus stop by yourself. But the large ones like your first kiss, losing your virginity, high school graduation, first job (maybe not in that order of course!) can place their mark on you for the rest of your life.

Your rite of passage into adulthood is clearly defined by these things. There are so many more too like finally achieving independence, going to college, children — whatever is a milestone in your life isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. But is marriage one of the required rites?

Many say that marriage comes before children so it is a necessary thing. But you don’t have to be married to have children while many say the two should go hand and hand. I’ve never really had a desire to have children and at one point of my life marriage wasn’t something I wanted either. But as things truck along and years pass, marriage has been on my “to do” list of things. I know it kind of sounds clinical and impersonal that way — thinking of it as a check off on a master list, but I guess that is how I see it. There-in lies the problem?

I finished college, landed my first real career. What’s next? Of course always improving or looking to move up or progressing in what I am accomplishing should be enough on my plate. Sometimes it isn’t — much to my chagrin. Marriage isn’t anywhere near my radar. Is marriage something EVERYONE should reach for at some point in their lives? Just as with all those other milestones, is marriage a rite of passage or just another option?

There is a list of famous, great people who never married. I can think of a few spectacular writers and activists alone — Jane Austen (who has been referred to as a spinster) and Susan B. Anthony (where in one text says, “… she had time, freedom and ability to travel.” Not so bad.) But did they really miss out? What if you never reach for the supposed finality of tying the knot? Are you a lesser person for it? To say less is a bit dramatic of course but what about all those references to spinsters not too long ago (and sometimes used today). Why is an unmarried man a bachelor and an unmarried woman an ugly-sounding name like “spinster…”? Sounds like sinister. 🙂

Actually spinster used to be used on applications and documents in place of the word  “single.” Centuries ago women who remained unmarried were looked down upon. Some even considered witches!! And just in the past few decades such as in the 1950s, this idea never really went away. It was just a tad less menacing! I am not blind enough to believe this sort of thinking and overall perception doesn’t exist today.

I remember in middle school that the fact that I never dated ( I wasn’t even allowed to until I was 16) prompted someone to say I was a lesbian. And it was said as an insult, of course. I could have cared less about the accusation but what enraged me was society’s idea that everyone, even at that tender age, should always be partnered and if you weren’t, something was wrong with you. And today that translates to people starting to suggest seeking out a spouse on eHarmony or

Of course I realize that the whole world isn’t always persecuting the perpetual single person. But there is no denying the underlying raised eyebrow if you have reached a certain age and never wed.

Yes. He’s married now too…

The phone just finished ringing downstairs and most assuredly it’s probably my mother. As always, she is concerned.

This time it’s because I just gave word to her and my father that yet another ex of mine, the most recent and the one I had the longest relationship with, is now married. I heard the “rumor” but now, because I’m a nosy journalist, I was able to find out in like 10 minutes on the Web to know for sure. Curiosity is the death of me sometimes.

I’m not really sure why it has hurt me so much. Maybe because I know we were planning to get married. This would be the second person in my life that has given such empty promise of being wed. I’m not crying about it. Just kind of jarring I guess…

Will you be my pixilated wife?

On my morning drive today I heard on NPR’s Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me! that a man is having a virtual marriage with another woman as his real life wife stands by and fumes about it. Feel free to click the previous link, but below is an exerpt from the The Wall Street Journal.

He’s [Ric Hoogestraat of Phoenix] never met the woman outside of the computer world of Second Life, a well-chronicled digital fantasyland with more than eight million registered “residents” who get jobs, attend concerts and date other users. He’s never so much as spoken to her on the telephone. But their relationship has taken on curiously real dimensions. They own two dogs, pay a mortgage together and spend hours shopping at the mall and taking long motorcycle rides. This May, when Mr. Hoogestraat, 53, needed real-life surgery, the redhead cheered him up with a private island that cost her $120,000 in the virtual world’s currency, or about $480 in real-world dollars. Their bond is so strong that three months ago, Mr. Hoogestraat asked Janet Spielman, the 38-year-old Canadian woman who controls the redhead, to become his virtual wife. The woman he’s legally wed to is not amused. “It’s really devastating,” says Sue Hoogestraat, 58, an export agent for a shipping company, who has been married to Mr. Hoogestraat for seven months. “You try to talk to someone or bring them a drink, and they’ll be having sex with a cartoon.”

First of all, I died laughing. Really? A virtual marriage? If I were in a virtual world of sin and fantasy, I’m not sure if I would pick marriage as my place to romp. Although those virtual motorcycle rides the couple takes sounds fun. But why in the world of fantasy land would you want a mortage and a ball and chain — even if it isn’t exactly real? However that really isn’t the point.

In this brave new world of technological improvements on products from yesteryear and the Internet being arguably the lifeblood and pulse of recent existance, isn’t this kind of like cheating? Isn’t it really like trading up for a virtually “better” version of what you already have? Kind of like a software upgrade?

Mr. Hoogestraat’s real-life wife is losing patience with her husband’s second life. “It’s sad; it’s a waste of human life,” says Mrs. Hoogestraat, who is dark-haired and heavy-set with smooth, pale skin. “Everybody has their hobbies, but when it’s from six in the morning until two in the morning, that’s not a hobby, that’s your life.”

Time to leave Mrs. Hoogestratt, time to leave.

A re-edit of the same theme: Why do people cheat?

 [Update: This is a CENSORED version of a previous post. I hate the word censorship but sometimes…well…let’s just say it/I ruffled some feathers … (!)]

I remember a time when I could say I was a less than conservative person.

I knew what I wanted. I went into any bar-lounge-club, found who I wanted to “spend time with” and took that person home — on my terms. I flirted. I got my fix. And I still maintained with my job and family fairly in tact. I did this quite often.

Today I look back and not only say those were some “fun” times but I can safely say (and admit) they weren’t exactly healthy times. I wouldn’t trade any of it but what I can say is that during all of that time of sexual and self-exploration, I was never married. I hadn’t any children. I’m now 29 and don’t regret those two major facts about my life.

Almost everyone I know at this point of my life/age is either married, have children or both. Though I do wish my left ring finger was occupado sort of speak, I would never trade my life today with those I know who have these things. And maybe it’s the age talking or just getting past those stages in my life, but I don’t understand why some people in those situations choose to “have their cake and eat it too”– for lack of a better cliche.

My question is why in the hell do people wait until they have so much going on (i.e. marriage, kids, etc.)? I know things just seem to happen. But once they do, I feel that you need to accept them, work on them or decide it just doesn’t work. And even when you cut that final cord of marriage, and still have young children, you have to just face the reality and responsibility before you. Letting strange men follow you home to have your way with you, even on nights your child/children isn’t/aren’t home, are the selfish actions of someone fresh out of highschool. Not someone on the brink of mid life.

Being someone who is perpetually single, it really physically sickens me when I see this behavior. I’ve made these decisions: staying on the pill, being a little more selective and focusing on my career. I have accepted them. I LIVE with them. But I know I want more. When I see women and men cheat all I can think is, “What about the rest of us??” Why are you grabbing all of the pie? Even if some of the pie taste like rotten ass?

Some of us are trying to do things the “right” way. So many people seem to take advantage of monogamous individuals those of us who have a conscious would be proud to say were our spouse. But instead both parties in these hopeless, extramarital situations, no matter how innocent one of the parties can be, are at fault by either performing the behavior or enabling it. Why grab so much? Why not take the small pieces of the pie, digest it a bit and then decide, “Shit, I don’t really like blackberry pie after all.” Make peace with it and cut those extra, sordid details out – such as the need to cheat.

If it isn’t working, and you don’t want to try to fix things and work things out before you decide to go off and cheat, end the marriage. Having kids who are the product of divorce is much more healthy than having kids in the middle of fights about affairs, accusations, disgust and late nights. I don’t know. I don’t have kids or a husband to judge. But what I do have is enough respect for myself to know that at some point of your life, leading a promiscuous lifestyle borders on desperate past a certain age. At some point in your life you have to hang up your favorite accessible top, miniskirt and less than flattering lap-dance moves.

You can still be sexy without seething with desperation – without the pathetic attempts to be noticed by the opposite sex. And at some point you have to wake up and say, “I’m not a kid anymore and if I’ve got oats to sow, how about waiting until I have a few less strings on my apron.” It’s so important to know where to draw the line on greed. Only so much cake, pie or other savory substances can fit in your stomach before things get out of hand and you have to purge.