Archive for the ‘lies’ Category

How to get anything done: Lie

I am a very upfront, and highly honest person. Maybe a bit too honest. I’ve said that before here at my blog but now I see that I have been wrong all along.

I recently spilled a glass of my breakfast Odwalla B-Monster smoothie all over my work laptop computer…and it wasn’t closed. At least the computer itself wasn’t effected but the keyboard no longer types the letters “U, Y, G, V and J.” I kind of need those letters. Well when I called IT, they basically told me in a very quaint and polite way.

“Just turn the laptop over in a towel. Everything will be OK. Contact your manager.”

Basically I needed to call my boss to see about replacing the whole thing as it was clear that the help desk didn’t offer an alternative other than make a hope, wish and a prayer.  I am quite sure that all I need is a new keyboard because luckily the actual computer works fine in my work docking station. I just can’t use it at home. When I told my boss, he was like “We’ll get it replaced.” But when I told him that I told the IT department that I spilt the smoothie he said, “You really are too honest, Jenice.” Is this a bad trait to have. Geez. I thought that was endearing in a person.

I guess some would call what I did too much disclosure. I probably should have just not told the whole story. But that just seems too unethical and of all the questionable things I am guilty of, being unethical is one thing I don’t want my name attached. So I told it like it was. I shall call it “Smoothie-gate.”

 

Well, all was fine for a while. The crud dried and the keys seemed to work for like 30 minutes and then it was no use. I was contacted this week about getting things sorted (not exactly sure how) but I just got this email from the tech handling my case.

 Just found out that the Dispatch was canceled for being honest about the reason for replacing the keyboard.

So when I emailed him back I said:

So if I had lied then I would have had this expedited better? Good to know that lying is the best policy these days. (INSERT SARCASTIC SMILEY FACE HERE.)

He said I had a point. However the the moral of the story is that when the B-Monster hit my keyboard, and I made the call, I should have said it just stopped working. I should have lied my ass off (or what many people call “not telling the whole truth/story”) and I would have a laptop with keys that work right now.  And as it turns out, the tech is going to find a way to help me so maybe being too honest still works out in the end. But really, lying is the best policy when it comes to getting things done.

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I want him to go away.

Warning: I’m just bitching.

Why can’t society let Perez Hilton go away?

YUCK.

I have seen at least three interviews with this guy and have not quite figured out all the hype. He has no personality and his tired tactics have been done before somewhere else. And probably better.A few things I’ve noticed. When specific questions are asked, he tends to sound like he’s searching for a good lie story. On the Chelsea Lately Show last night he was yapping about how Amy Winehouse called him. Really? And how he suggested to her that she go back to rehab and she supposedly said, “No, they sold me out.” He told this story as a “true” account. Now this may have happened. But have you ever heard a three-year-old give an account of something that happened to them? And then after a while it sounds like a really great lie?

OK. He dyes his hair green. Why? Not because he thinks it looks cool I’m sure. But mainly just because he thinks he looks different and because he looks so ordinary, the green coif makes him “stand out.” Please. To me he would get lost in a crowd of people. Plus the green hair gives the talk show host a distraction from what he or she really wants to say like, “Why in the love of all that is good and right in the world do YOU have a show while it took me X amount of years to get here?!”I think Jimmy Kimmel may have wanted to say that.Plus he doesn’t articulate things well but how can a man who draws penises on people’s heads really articulate.

What is the edge? Celebrity bashing? That’s a dime a dozen activity. Every damn blogger (including my ass) is doing that. What sets him apart is that he did it first, I guess. Or at least was the first blogger to get enough Google juice to make him famous. I want the hourglass on his 15 minutes to shatter. I don’t think the Perez phenomena is going away soon. Now that he has a new show, Perez Says, it will be impossible to make him disappear. Unless the three-year-old gets caught in one of his “stories” — crying wolf style and everyone stops listening.

Teach me how to lie…without guilt.

It’s a Sunday. An overcast Sunday at that. And I’ve showered, ate some apricots and am pondering lunch. I feel pretty damn relaxed for once and I just want to be loungy today.

Well today wasn’t supposed to be a day of leisure. I had some places to be today but didn’t feel like going. Actually, I don’t have to be there but I tend to obligate myself to just about everything. Which is what I did on a Friday night as well — obligated myself to an event I was really only going to because I was asked by a family member. But not today. Today I want to fart around on WordPress. Watch IFC and pack up for my move Saturday. So I told a few fibbers. Small but fibs just the same.

As you can read in my bio, I don’t like lying. And in fact today’s fibber wasn’t really a true lie. I have been doing some work today, as my fib mentioned. However I haven’t spent all day doing it. I just didn’t want to leave the house. Didn’t want to shed my full tank of gas. So I fibbed.

But now the guilt is setting in and it wasn’t even a really big lie! How do politicians do this everyday?! I sometimes wish I could lie and in fact lie without the guilt attached. I’m not Catholic but I am surely someone who can feel guilty at the drop of a hat. Even if it isn’t my fault. What a deficiency to have! Tomorrow will be full of more obligations, even after work hours. So I already have a nice bookend of my time obligated. So Sunday I lied. Er fibbed.

I don’t really know why I’ve blogged about this. Maybe it’s my form of a confessional…