Archive for the ‘growing up’ Category

Breaking the cycle of negativity…

I grew up knowing that my mother was different than everyone else’s mom. It was something I had to learn to accept, though to this day I’m not sure I did until this year.  I wasn’t the easiest child during those early years either. I’m sure I still am not in her eyes. But somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, I’ve just stopped resenting her.

This year was the first time in my life that when people asked me of my spiritual beliefs I could truly say that I was very spiritual. Maybe not in the “traditional” Southern Bible Belt way, but I pray and I put faith in more things than I have ever in my life. My head is spinning with change.  Positive change. A word so overused this year but very appropriate to my growing. Discovering who I am was never something I felt I had to journey but somehow I am on one and I’m not as scared as I thought I would be.

I’ve always loved my mother, but one word I can never put to her is the word change. She’s just not a fan. Though her words from years gone by are less harsh, they still hold weight in my heart. She is manic depressive. I have to tell myself that everyday when I think of what she may have said or what I anticipate her saying. Even though she is more well than not through medication, she still is the mother I watched have breakdown after breakdown and I for one was a child who had to grow up fast.

This morning was a breakthrough for me in all of this I’ve just written. No matter what you try to attach to what shapes my mother, beyond her control or otherwise, one word I have to associate with her is negativity. She is a wonderful woman, loving and kind and I don’t say this as a way to insult her passive aggressively. But as I move along in my path in life, and as she has so much trouble accepting much of it, her general words on it all are not supportive. For years I craved acceptance and for years to come I will have to forget about asking or wishing for it. And in growing I have to shut my mind and ears off to words that will no longer help…especially these: “You know IT runs in the family.”

Let me tell you about IT. My grandmother, uncle and mother are very familiar with IT — mental illness.  Suddenly a mention of having trouble getting out of bed or the fact that I have been working on projects to help non-profits seems all to familiar to my mother. “You have highs and lows. You always want to do different things.”  What I reminded her of is that I have a thyroid disorder as I’ve mentioned in this blog before and so does she. The thyroid has much to do with mood and all around general health. And in the mornings that I have trouble pulling myself from the covers, I don’t dread my life. I’m just tired. And through my wanting to help people anyway I can, I’m not overly simulated with mania, I just want to make a difference.

I let her know today that I have to break this cycle of negativity. We have to as our own selves. We have to make our own path and follow it even if it feels scary. Even if your family doesn’t approve. You just have to take YOUR step. No one else can do it for you. And not everyone will applaud when you take it.

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I could get run over by a truck…

Be hit by a freak tornado. Suddenly lose my memory. Get kidnapped. But today is the day.

I’m supposedly closing on that townhouse I told you all about back in April but couldn’t get. If you need a refresher of what happened, read CHANGES up at the top of the page. I hesitated talking about my going after it again because I didn’t want to jinx it. I hope I haven’t done that by telling you before the keys are in my hot, little hands. I will divulge later.

It’s Sunday and I think too much…

I think since the start of this new year I couldn’t help thinking that things were going to change for me. For the better? I had no clue. And I’m still not sure. I’ve been reading a lot of blogs today and there seems to be an underlining thread of being at a crossroads of some kind. An awakening or a major change. Currently, I’m not really sure what mine is but I’ve realized a few things: Acceptance and risk. I’ve mentioned the latter often. The previous, not so much.

I’m not good at acceptance. I’m always waiting for something to happen to change a current situation and hopefully for the better. That doesn’t always happen for me. In fact, I don’t see it happening that often. I’ve been doing too much thinking today, however. Actually, I’ve been doing too much thinking since January. I guess I thought my calling was to leave where I am today and go forth in a new direction. Now I see it more as, “Well, Jenice. You just have to make the best of this life you have today.” Which means stop looking over my shoulder for “something else.”

At some point of your life you have to just accept your life as it is. That doesn’t mean being complacent. It just means making the best of now. And I’ve decided to officially stop searching for “something else” because I need to improve, focus and absorb what is my “now.” I’m not being idealistic because I’m doing all this acceptance sort of reluctantly. It just is a kind of growing up. I’ve said once before that 30 is like a second adolescence.

And here is where the risk comes in. I’ve officially decided I want to be a homeowner. I don’t know how it will all come out but making sure I’ve done the whole acceptance bit was the first step. Because I have to be OK with living in Texas a little while longer. No more visions of New York skylines, the scenary of Alaska or the warmth of California. No matter how much I can’t stand Dallas, I need to just grow up.