Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

Breaking the cycle of negativity…

I grew up knowing that my mother was different than everyone else’s mom. It was something I had to learn to accept, though to this day I’m not sure I did until this year.  I wasn’t the easiest child during those early years either. I’m sure I still am not in her eyes. But somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, I’ve just stopped resenting her.

This year was the first time in my life that when people asked me of my spiritual beliefs I could truly say that I was very spiritual. Maybe not in the “traditional” Southern Bible Belt way, but I pray and I put faith in more things than I have ever in my life. My head is spinning with change.  Positive change. A word so overused this year but very appropriate to my growing. Discovering who I am was never something I felt I had to journey but somehow I am on one and I’m not as scared as I thought I would be.

I’ve always loved my mother, but one word I can never put to her is the word change. She’s just not a fan. Though her words from years gone by are less harsh, they still hold weight in my heart. She is manic depressive. I have to tell myself that everyday when I think of what she may have said or what I anticipate her saying. Even though she is more well than not through medication, she still is the mother I watched have breakdown after breakdown and I for one was a child who had to grow up fast.

This morning was a breakthrough for me in all of this I’ve just written. No matter what you try to attach to what shapes my mother, beyond her control or otherwise, one word I have to associate with her is negativity. She is a wonderful woman, loving and kind and I don’t say this as a way to insult her passive aggressively. But as I move along in my path in life, and as she has so much trouble accepting much of it, her general words on it all are not supportive. For years I craved acceptance and for years to come I will have to forget about asking or wishing for it. And in growing I have to shut my mind and ears off to words that will no longer help…especially these: “You know IT runs in the family.”

Let me tell you about IT. My grandmother, uncle and mother are very familiar with IT — mental illness.  Suddenly a mention of having trouble getting out of bed or the fact that I have been working on projects to help non-profits seems all to familiar to my mother. “You have highs and lows. You always want to do different things.”  What I reminded her of is that I have a thyroid disorder as I’ve mentioned in this blog before and so does she. The thyroid has much to do with mood and all around general health. And in the mornings that I have trouble pulling myself from the covers, I don’t dread my life. I’m just tired. And through my wanting to help people anyway I can, I’m not overly simulated with mania, I just want to make a difference.

I let her know today that I have to break this cycle of negativity. We have to as our own selves. We have to make our own path and follow it even if it feels scary. Even if your family doesn’t approve. You just have to take YOUR step. No one else can do it for you. And not everyone will applaud when you take it.

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I need no more crosses to bear…

I’m not exactly a religious person though I do believe in a higher power, a creator and all of that. I waver on evolution. That obviously has a place in the grand scheme of things even though I know it’s not a popular belief system. Even with my issues with being raised Christian but leaning more toward agnosticism, I’ve always held on to the saying, “God gives us no cross we cannot bear” or some variation of that. I have always heard that saying from hardcore Christians throughout my life. My mother used to say something along those lines though I believe she had her own way of saying things.

That bit about bearing crosses, maybe  it’s true. However, I’ve had enough crosses from just this year alone. More than I care to recall, more than I care to see again…

I’m sick today, yet again. I just can’t seem to get on the path to good health no matter how hard I try. Which leads me to medical bills upon medical bills. And then there’s all the changes with work: the layoffs, firings, resignations, issues with managing, slowly losing grip once again to a social life and pretty much realizing I’m kind of alone in a way. I have wonderful parents but I can’t lean on them forever. I guess this reads as a pity party. But really I’m trying hard to grasp at the aforementioned saying, “God gives us no cross we cannot bear.”

Through it all, I guess I get to the next day and the next and the next — but at what cost? When do the crosses stop coming? Where do I put them all?