Archive for the ‘dreams’ Category

Holy s***! I bought a house…

Well actually a townhouse but it’s still the same really…responsibility and upkeep. I suppose the feeling I should be having here is excitement. And to many degrees, I do have that particular sentiment. But overall I am more to the point — numb. I can’t believe the grueling process is over. It started with hopes of receiving a forgivable loan from the City of Dallas. I may have a pretty fun job, but the pay isn’t that great.

 

 Well, I qualified for a program that allowed me to receive $10,000 from the City of Dallas if I:

A.) Found a home in Dallas, of course.

B.) Take homeowner classes.

C.) Live in the home at least 8 years.

It seemed perfect. But right in the middle of my offer to the townhouse I wanted, they pulled the funding. They now exclusively offer the funding, even at a better rate, for the homes that are in their system, which means I wouldn’t be able to just find a place — it had to be on the city’s list of homes they are trying to sell. I decided to give up.

Then in May my realtor calls me and tells me that the townhouse I wanted — the one I had originally put an offer down on — dropped $10,000. It just seemed meant, but not without a few hiccups. Namely the appraisal came in under the sales price and there were a few repairs that had to be taken care of such as a few breaker issues. And even after all that, I sat at the title company’s table of endless papers and began signing. Then my realtor points out a taxing discrepancy. Would it ever end?!

The next day I finally got the keys and my family and I went out to dinner to celebrate with my realtor. We had some crazy times together so I felt it only fitting to pay for our dinner. Confession: actually dad made me but I was gonna pay — promise! As well as the fact that I am sure I was very small potatoes in the scheme of clients for my realtor. After all the trouble we went through, all of his concerns and looking out for my best interest, I just don’t think his commission from it all is that spectacular but he’s quite a humble man. And anyone who could put up with my tastes and demands deserves more than a gold star. I mean I am really particular about what I call, and I think the industry calls, “wet areas.” That basically means I’m a stinker about kitchens and bathrooms. But considering my choices of price range, and my particulars about what I wanted, I think I did pretty good.

So here I am — outside of my very own place (please excuse my casual attire…not my normal look I assure you.)  Sure the neighborhood isn’t the Ritz but it’s a place that really suites me. And I’m happy to call it home. But all this means is I’ll be pretty preoccupied between medical appointments and cleaning/preparing the new place. Blogging will be a tough one in the next few weeks, but I’ll still try to make time to blather about.

Tomorrow is when I turn 30…

And I blame this distractraction for the non-stellar writing panache lately. Tomorrow I shall update you on the last day of my countdown. It may be over but I won’t stop improving.

I have to say, of all the birthdays in my life, this was one for the books. The one that I didn’t plan a damn thing and didn’t bother to remind people of the date. I just mourned. The calls have come in. “What are you doing for your birthday?” I just said, “Nothing.” There will be dinner plans but there you have it. No revelry. Just a whimper.

 I’m not really sure why I’m dreading this number. It is afterall, as many of you have pointed out, just a number. But I guess as a child and through my teens, I saw 30 as that marker of your successes, how far you have come and how far you may be going…

I definitely can say I’ve come a long way. But a not-so-shy 16-year-old unrealistically put everything into a time capsule for this age: being more traveled, finishing my first novel (*insert your own laugh track here*), getting married… She must still be in here, somewhere. I think she’s hiding from embarrassment! Or just reality…

I don’t know why we impose so much on such a seemingly meaningless number. Last year I celebrated the “death” of my 20s like it was my last hurrah…At 29 I didn’t give any thought to the 30 celebration because I just didn’t see what the celebration was about.

“Ugh. 30,”  I said and am still saying. But really I should just be happy to be alive…That’s what they tell you. “Be happy to be alive.” I am. Life is good. But they just don’t tell you how to stop dreading this kind of milestone. What will 40 feel like?

On a possibly unrelated topic, the other night I dreamt of riding horses with Amy Winehouse of all people. It wasn’t pretty like galloping. It was hard riding. Very fast. And angry. The horses were huge and majestic. I’ve probably lost it…Anyway, this could have so many odd meanings. Would anyone like to take a stab at it?

Did I mention I’ve had drinks?

MLK’s dream reminds us to take risks

Say what you want about Oprah, but she had the most riveting and beautiful special today to honor Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. It’s so easy to forget that not even close to 100 years ago people banned together to achieve the rights we have today. It’s easy to forget because so many people have taken it for granted or completely spit in the face of the meaning behind “Having a dream…”

One thread of commonality between civil rights stories, especially what O’s special highlighted today, was the necessity of taking a risk. It took so much of that small word to create the enormous impact. Whether it was standing up for the injustice of those times by protest or taking that injustice to the higher powers that be, the risk was there. And it is because those passionate people took those risks that I can type this post today. That I can choose to date whatever race I choose — when I actually have a date!

I’m not going to go into dramatics discussing the power of MLK’s dream. All of us by now obviously know such a man is beyond what can be written or said (or goofed up by Hilary Clinton). I’m only really writing this to remind us all, and maybe myself, that sometimes taking risks is the only way to make a difference. Or in fact the only way to leading the life we may all want or feel we deserve.

Risk is a little four-letter word that doesn’t always mean a bad thing, but a push in the right direction.

When life is too short…

I woke up this morning to yet another dream about a person who is no longer in my life. I tend to have the most bizarre and telling dreams but I never know what to do with them. In this particular instance, each time this person appears in my dreams, she is filled with mind-numbing illness and doesn’t really speak to me. She just sends these subtle cues I still don’t understand.

In reality, we are no longer friends. My habit here of blogging ended our friendship. Thing is I’m just someone who thinks with emotions. Whether or not that is a good thing, it has always has been a fault/trait/whatever part of me  and for the most part, I don’t really mean to hurt a soul unless they have hurt me. In this case I hurt someone unwillingly, unknowingly and in fact stupidly innocent in a comment to someone else’s blog…

Fastforward to now and I can tell you I recently received an email at work (of all places) from a person to my knowledge she no longer wants to have a thing to do with. He tracked down my work email and I didn’t appreciate that. I also didn’t appreciate that it was to ask me about what had happened to her. Why she wasn’t responsive…

He stated that he had received an email from her husband to leave her alone and that she had been in the hospital. It troubled me. She is often not well. And I didn’t know she had become that ill. I let him know that no longer having the friendship was painful enough, but to actually email me and tell me she had been in the hospital was even more tough. I told him I don’t have his answers of course and it wasn’t even my place to tell him if I even had them. The nerve of this man. I told him to never contact me again. And I told him to do the same of her. To leave her alone. In peace.

No matter what hurtful words said and mostly written between us, I will never stop caring what happens to the friend I have lost even if I’ll never really know what is happening in her life. I can only hope she will be well.

I’ll never really understand. And it’s no longer for me to know.

To live a life without regret is brave. I could sit here like many people I’ve heard time and time again and say I don’t regret a thing. I’m not that brave. I know there are things in my life that I would change. But the key is to let it go if you can’t change them.

It’s strange how the holidays make us all so sentimental. I just keep thinking how short life is…

I’m not gonna be famous, but I can dream…

The 50 primeSo this weekend is yet another moment of truth. The reception for my first solo photography show. I can only hope everyone will buy up everything to justify my purchases today at a designer sample sale. I should not be left alone with certain jewelry. Anywho, I’m no David LaChapelle at the moment but I’ve already sold a piece and the pictures have only been up since Monday. And I’ve sold others in a previous shared exhibit. Maybe I’m not so bad. You can be the judge. Bagel of Everything over at Ration Reality was so very kind enough to give me a plug under their NEWS section. Thanks lady.

The next goal is getting my dream macro lens and snap better shots. People go on and on about the “eye” being more important than the equipment but let’s get real. You may have a wonderful eye but limited equipment that can’t produce what the eye wants to capture. Currently my main lens is this 50 prime you see before you. However it was taken by my “dream” lens: the Nikon 105mm f/2.8 with VR. All that mumbo jumbo basically means kick ass but there’s lots better out there however over $700 is more than enough of a start. At least that is the translation I’m sticking with. If you look at the reviews of the product, there is one complainer but he’s not using it right. This baby isn’t a portrait lens (my prime is) and that is why I want it. It produces AMAZING macro shots. Sorry, I’m babbling again while drooling over glass.

Wish me luck tomorrow. And feel free to buy stuff from my site if you want Christmas gifts that didn’t come from Target. I’m excited and very anxious about the reception. I’ve saved all my calories for the wine I’m drinking tonight for the nerves. My next post shall discuss the cruelty of counting calories, however two more pounds lost so far…

Uh oh. I’m shaping young minds!

Yesterday was very serial. So much so that I forwent writing about the city council here or Ellen’s stupid crying about a dog (topics I planned to write about today.) I woke up this morning still thinking about it so I decided to write.

I was asked to speak to a high school in the community I cover. I always get nervous when I’m asked to do these things. Because today’s teens are definitely not yesterday’s teens — they know so much more and don’t tolerate the same things we used to. I also get a little nervous because being that I’m still fumbling along in this industry, even though in a much better role now, so I just can’t help wondering how in the world am I supposed to shape young minds about journalism when I’m still trucking along myself. I’m not a shy person as I’m sure you have guessed but knowing these two things when I’m in front of a classroom gives me the shakes.

Also they had to take notes. So the moment I started talking — I stopped. Then laughed that they had to take notes. Good start so far. Everyone laughed right along. I told of my triumphs and many tribulations — as I believe the teacher had wanted me to. I even revealed that I was a cocktail waitress for a time while freelancing. I gave them the goods. And man the questions they asked! Even the teacher. I tap-danced through some of them because they were along the lines of “what will happen to journalism’s integrity.” Hum…I wanted to have our official bigwig next to me for some of those questions, but I managed and heads nodded and notes were written. As I gave many of my answers I kept thinking, “Is that me saying this?” because they weren’t exactly bad or ridiculously misguided. I think I did alright and a lot of the girls said they liked my outfit, which was the most important thing for me to get right before walking in the room. You know how teen girls can be about fashion!

It just didn’t seem that long ago that I was in their place, sitting there listening to a guest speaker. Very serial and it struck a cord in my heart because I envied them so much. Just to be in that school desk, knowing what I know now would be a gift. I even told them so. I warned them of everything in this industry and the plus of the whole “high” of it. I warned them to take all the classes I didn’t — video editing, page building. I pushed them on internships and the importance of knowing what you have a passion for over the money it can bring. And they seemed entertained and hopefully left with their heads no longer in clouds about how quickly they will be in a significant role in their future careers.

Once upon a very long time ago, I wanted to be a teacher. But as things pushed along (a broken engagement and some hard-knock lessons learned) I wandered down to the basement of my college and filled out the application to be a reporter for the school paper. Addicted ever since except the small moments in which I’m in a classroom. This will sound very sappy so I warn you, but somehow being in that room with bright, eager faces ready to learn, I wonder what I may have missed not being teacher and what kind of one I would have been.

very random…

Last night I dreamt about WordPress tags, blogging and the Chicago Bulls of all things.

Did you know that currently your tags are only being represented by two? So say if you wanted to post your stuff in Life, Random, Blogging and Thoughts, more than likely it will only be searchable in Blogging and Thoughts. The others will drop away unless someone randomly finds you while looking in the other categories. Either way, your blog will still be listed under only one other tag. Here’s what I mean.

WTF?

I went into forums  about it, hoping this isn’t some new feature. I like checking out the other tags people list their stuff in because the basic ones can be so BORING. But I read that it’s being fixed in the next 24 hours. However I guess it bothered me so much, I had dreams of pages of pages of tags with one other option. How sad is that? Of all things I could be dreaming about…

Anyway as for the Chicago Bulls, I guess that could be because I talked trash about Isiah Thomas. But he’s with the Knicks. I was a huge Jordan fan. Maybe I was just going with a theme. Well, enjoy the remaining two hours before MAINTENANCE begins…

michaeljordan3clr_tif.jpg

YUM.