Archive for the ‘change’ Category

Breaking the cycle of negativity…

I grew up knowing that my mother was different than everyone else’s mom. It was something I had to learn to accept, though to this day I’m not sure I did until this year.  I wasn’t the easiest child during those early years either. I’m sure I still am not in her eyes. But somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, I’ve just stopped resenting her.

This year was the first time in my life that when people asked me of my spiritual beliefs I could truly say that I was very spiritual. Maybe not in the “traditional” Southern Bible Belt way, but I pray and I put faith in more things than I have ever in my life. My head is spinning with change.  Positive change. A word so overused this year but very appropriate to my growing. Discovering who I am was never something I felt I had to journey but somehow I am on one and I’m not as scared as I thought I would be.

I’ve always loved my mother, but one word I can never put to her is the word change. She’s just not a fan. Though her words from years gone by are less harsh, they still hold weight in my heart. She is manic depressive. I have to tell myself that everyday when I think of what she may have said or what I anticipate her saying. Even though she is more well than not through medication, she still is the mother I watched have breakdown after breakdown and I for one was a child who had to grow up fast.

This morning was a breakthrough for me in all of this I’ve just written. No matter what you try to attach to what shapes my mother, beyond her control or otherwise, one word I have to associate with her is negativity. She is a wonderful woman, loving and kind and I don’t say this as a way to insult her passive aggressively. But as I move along in my path in life, and as she has so much trouble accepting much of it, her general words on it all are not supportive. For years I craved acceptance and for years to come I will have to forget about asking or wishing for it. And in growing I have to shut my mind and ears off to words that will no longer help…especially these: “You know IT runs in the family.”

Let me tell you about IT. My grandmother, uncle and mother are very familiar with IT — mental illness.  Suddenly a mention of having trouble getting out of bed or the fact that I have been working on projects to help non-profits seems all to familiar to my mother. “You have highs and lows. You always want to do different things.”  What I reminded her of is that I have a thyroid disorder as I’ve mentioned in this blog before and so does she. The thyroid has much to do with mood and all around general health. And in the mornings that I have trouble pulling myself from the covers, I don’t dread my life. I’m just tired. And through my wanting to help people anyway I can, I’m not overly simulated with mania, I just want to make a difference.

I let her know today that I have to break this cycle of negativity. We have to as our own selves. We have to make our own path and follow it even if it feels scary. Even if your family doesn’t approve. You just have to take YOUR step. No one else can do it for you. And not everyone will applaud when you take it.

Twitter replacing my blogging…?

I don’t think I can shut this blog down. Though I know my readers have probably left me long ago. I just don’t have the focus for it now that I’m on Twitter. Is that pathetic? Who knows for how long this trend will last. But I’m micro-blogging everyday on my page @Jenice78. I have a lot to say and sometimes nothing at all. But in this world of get it now, short and sweet, blogging can become pretty difficult. How about you? Are you finding the same problem?

I will surely come back here again very soon and talk to you some more…if anyone is even left! But until then, you can read my ramblings on my Twitter page. And I still continue to update my photo blog at artsbyjphotography.com.

Who else is still out there, WordPress writers?

The Obama era: Hero-worship has a price

On Jan. 20 I watched history from the cubicles of our news office.

I’m sure many of you as well, with permission from your bosses or not, popped open a few windows on your computer and tuned in as President Barack Obama was sworn in as the first African-American president. This has been something we have heard for a long while — this word “first.” I have to say it was a moment that I will never forget. And from the stories of my parents’ past, it was a very significant day moving toward healing the wounds of a time where I may not have been able to even write these words to you today.

However,  I also know that this huge job of being president works beyond cultural background or the color of one’s skin. And I only hope that President Obama will be able to work to mend America. What his new presidency has surely done so far is bring people together. But what has to be the one thing I can’t stop thinking about among all this “history” is the constant comparisons to Martin Luther King Jr. The constant comparisons to the days of Camelot. And the constant sheer hero-worship of a man not even my father’s age running our country.

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Holy s***! I bought a house…

Well actually a townhouse but it’s still the same really…responsibility and upkeep. I suppose the feeling I should be having here is excitement. And to many degrees, I do have that particular sentiment. But overall I am more to the point — numb. I can’t believe the grueling process is over. It started with hopes of receiving a forgivable loan from the City of Dallas. I may have a pretty fun job, but the pay isn’t that great.

 

 Well, I qualified for a program that allowed me to receive $10,000 from the City of Dallas if I:

A.) Found a home in Dallas, of course.

B.) Take homeowner classes.

C.) Live in the home at least 8 years.

It seemed perfect. But right in the middle of my offer to the townhouse I wanted, they pulled the funding. They now exclusively offer the funding, even at a better rate, for the homes that are in their system, which means I wouldn’t be able to just find a place — it had to be on the city’s list of homes they are trying to sell. I decided to give up.

Then in May my realtor calls me and tells me that the townhouse I wanted — the one I had originally put an offer down on — dropped $10,000. It just seemed meant, but not without a few hiccups. Namely the appraisal came in under the sales price and there were a few repairs that had to be taken care of such as a few breaker issues. And even after all that, I sat at the title company’s table of endless papers and began signing. Then my realtor points out a taxing discrepancy. Would it ever end?!

The next day I finally got the keys and my family and I went out to dinner to celebrate with my realtor. We had some crazy times together so I felt it only fitting to pay for our dinner. Confession: actually dad made me but I was gonna pay — promise! As well as the fact that I am sure I was very small potatoes in the scheme of clients for my realtor. After all the trouble we went through, all of his concerns and looking out for my best interest, I just don’t think his commission from it all is that spectacular but he’s quite a humble man. And anyone who could put up with my tastes and demands deserves more than a gold star. I mean I am really particular about what I call, and I think the industry calls, “wet areas.” That basically means I’m a stinker about kitchens and bathrooms. But considering my choices of price range, and my particulars about what I wanted, I think I did pretty good.

So here I am — outside of my very own place (please excuse my casual attire…not my normal look I assure you.)  Sure the neighborhood isn’t the Ritz but it’s a place that really suites me. And I’m happy to call it home. But all this means is I’ll be pretty preoccupied between medical appointments and cleaning/preparing the new place. Blogging will be a tough one in the next few weeks, but I’ll still try to make time to blather about.

How to get over someone in a hurry…

I’m not playing the jilted gal role to the fullest *insert sarcasm.* I figured some guidance was in order to further my process. And we all know that we must learn from those who have gone to battle for you in order to gain more knowledge and a thicker skin. And of course be more prepared for the pitfalls life has in store.  So here you go, folks. My how-tos on getting over someone – fast.

Please note I’ve also posted this over at my Single is the New Relationship blog as well so forgive repeats if you read both blogs, which I doubt any of you do. But if you do, I love you for it.

  1. Blog. Blog. And then when you are done blogging, blog more. Sometimes some really great people have nice things to say about what you have written. And you get the occasional funny advice from the peanut gallery. Here’s my favorite. Hint: Read the first comment.
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  3. Become a regular over in the meetup scene. I was a naysayer at first, but so far the events have been a load of fun, I get to meet new people who make me laugh and I found myself smiling more. Plus your social calendar is ALWAYS full.
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  5. Be a class act about the rejection. That doesn’t mean that you can’t dish how you REALLY feel over at your personal blog, but just be sure any emails or texts are seething with very matter-of-fact realization that you know it’s over and you will live another day. (Addendum: However, don’t be surprised if the counter reaction from your ex is twice as impersonal than the one you sent.)
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Five years?

Last night I heard from an old friend from Nebraska. I used to work there for a daily as a city and county government reporter.  While there, among a lot of other crazy stuff happening like getting lost in a cornfield, I broke my ankle and now have a plate and six screws bolted to my bone. I think, in a way, being there that year was not only eye-opening but hardened me a little more to tough events.

Writing two to three front page stories almost daily was grueling. So was being a square peg in a round hole. Let’s just say it was apparent to Wal-Mart shoppers I wasn’t from around there. My friend and I couldn’t believe that it’s been five years since I left. He’s in town this week. And on this very Super and Fat Tuesday, I think we will partake in some revelry, catch up and feel how old we are now…

But speaking of Super Tuesday and time passing, five years ago would you have believed we would have a woman and a “minority” running for president — and looking quite promising in the race? I’ll admit, not being able to gawk at Mr. Edwards anymore will be hard. You all know how hot he is to me…but obviously good looks aren’t enough. Neither is idealism, gender and race even though this is a most historical primary. Being in Texas, I don’t get to play yet, but I hope you all who can vote today did before getting sloshed. I’ll be checking your work later tonight.

Can’t get away fast enough…

I think that in a past life I was some kind of wood nymph or a bit of wind that moves leaves about and messes up your hair. No. I’m not getting corny on you. I’m just trying to come to grips with the fact I can’t seem to be content in the same spot for very long. Or at least the same spot that isn’t offering much in line of, well — life…

Ever see that movie Chocolat? I kind of feel like that. Like I need to keep moving…

With new developments at work, my life and the fact that I’m always wanting to see and learn more, I’ve pondered a few potential places of relocation. Because of it, I’ve not been a very good blog friend and need to catch up on all my reading here. I’ve been quite busy on journalismjobs.com. First pondered move? Alaska. That’s right. All I can keep thinking about is the beautiful scenery of Juneau. The photographic possibilities are ENDLESS…

There are other places too. I’ve received some interest per email and will let you know what turns up. What may turn up is nothing. And I stay here in the scenery flat tumbleweed of Texas. But I’m still seeking everything out like some kind of driftwood who has had just about enough of her share of being banged up against all the currents. 

I know life isn’t smooth anywhere you go. But if that’s the case, I at least want to be doing my not-so-smooth life somewhere with potential beyond the newest bottle service, overly priced martini lounge.

When will it be about the issues?

issues.jpg

Are the Clintons bigots? Is Obama a pot head? Why do we do this? No wonder I’m a fence-sitter. Who wouldn’t be in times like these where everything in the world is being criticized instead of what the presidential hopefuls’ issues really are and where they stand? I’m more confused than ever. At this point I don’t even want to vote but I would never do that. Voting is still important. I know everyone is collectively saying, “Duh” right about now but I think we all need to remember that no matter how stupid everyone is looking right now, we still need to mark our ballots. But wait. Not everyone is looking stupid. Seems the republications haven’t been guilty of quite the same muckary (is that even a word) at this point as the democrats are.I was raised by democrats. I’m confessing right now that I’ve voted democrat all my life when it came to presidents — for very obvious reasons. I’m 29. You do the math. But I have never said I would never vote republican.

The Obama/Hilary stuff is making me want to vote for Huckabee. Now that’s bad. But if you look at the original origins of democrats, they were the ones who weren’t very progressive. Can that be said of today’s party? While republicans opposed the expansion of slavery and promoted business — that last bit is something they still do today of course. Obviously both parties have changed but is the change all that significant or can the change be measured by the mile? I’m still on the fence. Just give me a can of paint for me to whitewash it.

One thing for sure that WAS vastly different in the past was the media. News from what seems like a million years ago was about news. Not the fact that today’s celebrities are wasting away to anorexia or stopping to pump their own gas and grab a latte. I’m just sick. What CAN we believe?

I’m a part of the media, but I blame us just the same. Today’smedia that is. The media machine only cares about why Anna Nicole’s daughter is wearing an eye-patch. It’s breaking news when the Spears get knocked up and go crazy. Why wouldn’t that lack of real moral fiber bleed over into politics? It all makes me kind of happy in a way that I’m in the community news genre. But obviously the reason media goes after the superficial is because they think that’s what we want to hear. And that must be true because it’s only getting worse. We as a nation are watered down. Dumbed down. Oblivious.

I need a name rebirth…

Lily don’t like the name…

As I’ve said in my recent About Me that I revamped around Christmas, I am kind of tired of my Arm Jerker J. moniker. It suites me but I get bored easy. Got any ideas?

This is a call to action, Micky, Stil, Laura, Greg, Mike, Chris, Karen — too many to tag here. Anybody! Everybody? I hope you all can provide some feedback! Or do I just need to keep it since there is a Baltimore Sun blog right now that references my singles blog on occasion, using my handle as Arm Jerker J. in her entries?

Random alert: January isn’t over, but still…

Resolutions are pretty much ruined in the first week. But I’ve got to say, I’ve been sticking to my resolutions  pretty well. Especially the one about yelling. I yell so much less which shocks my family. I pretty much yell at life. I don’t mean to yell at the person. Just my situation I’m not thrilled with. Or about something that went crabby that day…I catch myself now. And stop before the beast can be unleashed…

I’ve stuck closely to the resolution about putting myself out there. And all the calorie counting. I’ve dropped another pound in fact. Something else worth noting: I’m feeling like 2008 is going to be pretty damn good. I’ve signed up for a lot of stuff this month to keep me occupied and meeting new people. Each month I will force myself to go to at least four events not connected to my job or random bar hopping without a purpose — meaning if I’m going to a bar, there better be a game on!! Or some speed-dating which I will be experimenting with on Jan. 23…There will be video. Stick around.

In other stuff, last night I went to an opera event with this lady I met in an art group I’m a member of. They are all older than me, but I leave a little wiser each time I attend their meetings. Well this lady is about 74 but she’s really cool. She invited me to this French singing performance as her guest and she introduced me to some folks. She also said she would try to get me in touch with people who can help me promote my work. Who knows. Maybe I’ll get out of Texas one day afterall. You never know. Anyway, even though there was an age gap (she kept telling stories which started with “You are probably too young to remember this” and that), I felt that I needed to go to the event just to kick off a long line of things I plan to attend in the future so I can put myself out there — something I need to do more of to see what else ticks in this world other than all I’ve known in the last 29 years. It’s just about the best fresh start I need.