Archive for the ‘agony’ Category

Vegas may have killed me and this blog…

I was truly due a vacation. And I got it. But what I neglected to do was figure out what was wrong with me prior to having it. You see, I’ve been sick. I haven’t really discussed it here. But I have had frequent issues and the docs have been little to no help. I guess Vegas brought it all to a head. And I think I left my intestines in the airplane bathroom. Speaking of which, American Airlines is horrible and if I don’t die, I will tell you the whole story — and possibly take them to task as it seems my boyfriend has filed a complaint of their negligence. And of course I still have to share pics.

However, as it stands, I’ve been to the hospital and they assumed it was food poisoning. My doc feels differently given my priors. So at this point, I’m barely focusing on keeping my head up, let alone writing. Forgive my absence, keep me in your prayers, and hopefully I will be back shortly.

Love you all,

Jenice.

Tomorrow is when I turn 30…

And I blame this distractraction for the non-stellar writing panache lately. Tomorrow I shall update you on the last day of my countdown. It may be over but I won’t stop improving.

I have to say, of all the birthdays in my life, this was one for the books. The one that I didn’t plan a damn thing and didn’t bother to remind people of the date. I just mourned. The calls have come in. “What are you doing for your birthday?” I just said, “Nothing.” There will be dinner plans but there you have it. No revelry. Just a whimper.

 I’m not really sure why I’m dreading this number. It is afterall, as many of you have pointed out, just a number. But I guess as a child and through my teens, I saw 30 as that marker of your successes, how far you have come and how far you may be going…

I definitely can say I’ve come a long way. But a not-so-shy 16-year-old unrealistically put everything into a time capsule for this age: being more traveled, finishing my first novel (*insert your own laugh track here*), getting married… She must still be in here, somewhere. I think she’s hiding from embarrassment! Or just reality…

I don’t know why we impose so much on such a seemingly meaningless number. Last year I celebrated the “death” of my 20s like it was my last hurrah…At 29 I didn’t give any thought to the 30 celebration because I just didn’t see what the celebration was about.

“Ugh. 30,”  I said and am still saying. But really I should just be happy to be alive…That’s what they tell you. “Be happy to be alive.” I am. Life is good. But they just don’t tell you how to stop dreading this kind of milestone. What will 40 feel like?

On a possibly unrelated topic, the other night I dreamt of riding horses with Amy Winehouse of all people. It wasn’t pretty like galloping. It was hard riding. Very fast. And angry. The horses were huge and majestic. I’ve probably lost it…Anyway, this could have so many odd meanings. Would anyone like to take a stab at it?

Did I mention I’ve had drinks?

When will it be about the issues?

issues.jpg

Are the Clintons bigots? Is Obama a pot head? Why do we do this? No wonder I’m a fence-sitter. Who wouldn’t be in times like these where everything in the world is being criticized instead of what the presidential hopefuls’ issues really are and where they stand? I’m more confused than ever. At this point I don’t even want to vote but I would never do that. Voting is still important. I know everyone is collectively saying, “Duh” right about now but I think we all need to remember that no matter how stupid everyone is looking right now, we still need to mark our ballots. But wait. Not everyone is looking stupid. Seems the republications haven’t been guilty of quite the same muckary (is that even a word) at this point as the democrats are.I was raised by democrats. I’m confessing right now that I’ve voted democrat all my life when it came to presidents — for very obvious reasons. I’m 29. You do the math. But I have never said I would never vote republican.

The Obama/Hilary stuff is making me want to vote for Huckabee. Now that’s bad. But if you look at the original origins of democrats, they were the ones who weren’t very progressive. Can that be said of today’s party? While republicans opposed the expansion of slavery and promoted business — that last bit is something they still do today of course. Obviously both parties have changed but is the change all that significant or can the change be measured by the mile? I’m still on the fence. Just give me a can of paint for me to whitewash it.

One thing for sure that WAS vastly different in the past was the media. News from what seems like a million years ago was about news. Not the fact that today’s celebrities are wasting away to anorexia or stopping to pump their own gas and grab a latte. I’m just sick. What CAN we believe?

I’m a part of the media, but I blame us just the same. Today’smedia that is. The media machine only cares about why Anna Nicole’s daughter is wearing an eye-patch. It’s breaking news when the Spears get knocked up and go crazy. Why wouldn’t that lack of real moral fiber bleed over into politics? It all makes me kind of happy in a way that I’m in the community news genre. But obviously the reason media goes after the superficial is because they think that’s what we want to hear. And that must be true because it’s only getting worse. We as a nation are watered down. Dumbed down. Oblivious.

Get me out of here…

Back in the saddle again. The Thanksgiving holiday is gone and I’m back at work.

I’m actually sitting here contemplating what could possibly be listed on journalismjobs.com right now. I’m not really feeling all the poignant at the moment to write anything super stellar. I’ll wait till I get home. But right now I’m sitting back in my little cubicle world, editing, stressing over whether or not one of my employees got her raise or not and if I turned in the paperwork correctly, worrying about the fact that I’ve never seen New York and wondering why it’s 50 degrees in here when it’s about the same temperature outside — I want to get the hell out of here.

Day 36: Give ’em a smile…

In my line of work, a smile is something I have to keep on at all times. Maybe more than my shoes.

Unlike a lot of lucky folks, I had to spend the weekend working. And working…and…smiling…and…

Anyway, while doing so, I was bombarded by the constant questions of when this and that was going to run in the paper. All the while keeping that bright and shiny smile and gleeful attitude only to nearly want to sob by the time I got to my car. Partly from exhaustion — mostly from burnout and sore cheeks from all that teeth-bearing. It just can all make you want to collapse. Even when THIS was what you kind of asked for. When I got home I was welcomed with an angry email from someone. Their story hadn’t run when they expected it to. Therefore I’m suddenly a monster…

That lovely Saturday I passed out even before SNL ended. So Day 36 meant that I walked the lake near my apartment and carried my camera with me. I will probably post some in my Flickr account along with those Dia de los Muertos photos I took a few weekends ago…

Day 36 I decided to push aside my smile. I packed only water and the camera. The smile somehow got left at home. Those who passed me on the trail may have thought I looked serene but definitely not gleeful. It felt nice and I absorbed every breeze, every animal noise and smell. I walked for about two hours and then pumped some iron. Then capped off the night busting a Martha Stewart and decorating way too damn early for Christmas. I think that works for the countdown…

Day 30: Spit it out if it ain’t great

I was going to write this as Day 29 but I looked at the time and realized it’s technically Day 30. Day friggin’ 30! Almost a month of this countdown. I’ve decided that come November I will be starting another page. It will have to be a creation of sheer motivation being that November is the beginning of cornbread stuffing.

Day 28 I spent much of my day walking the lake by my apartment. I was in search of an event for Dia de Los Muertos. I’ll have pictures posted soon so you can see my justification for not officially hitting the gym. And alas Day 29 can only give more excuses of deadline and working on my new blog. In addition, come Day 31 I will be getting into Halloween mischief. Later today is about my only shot until Thursday, Day 32. though I’m really behind on reading everyone’s blogs.

I’ve been eating fairly healthy — chicken breast, salads, soups but…*sighs* I did have Halloween treats last weekend. Two rice crispy treats and two chocolate chip cookies….FOR SHAME! The hostess of the party that night gave me a doggie bag of treats which I threw out yesterday. I decided if the goodies aren’t stellar, they aren’t worth my calories. Seems obvious enough but you know damn well we all still nibble foods we are indifferent about which is super counter productive.

Well, checking the scale again it seemed I lost two more pounds…but I’m not getting excited. Water retention is my worst enemy…

Day 17-18: I smoked on the balcony…

I’m so relaxed.

Lots of things make me do that. All of which aren’t a good enough reason to toke on a cancer stick. However, I buy a pack a month and smoke when I feel it’s necessary. Day 16 and 17 included smoking a cig on the balcony. It felt good. And I just relaxed. Maybe I should have a fake one like the aspergers guy from Boston Legal to appease something inside of me with a placebo type method. I did walk the fair today. And I’m already friggin’ sore as hell from Day 15. So, we’ll see for the weekend. I’m already invited to a VIP party Friday which I doubt will be swarming in healthy. This shit is hard…especially when you have become a recent object of attention from the non-fairer sex. Men are distracting.

Day 16: Suck my kiss and tummy rubs

So it’s Day 16 and I almost didn’t hit the gym being that I had work and errands to run. By the time I got there it was nearly 11 p.m. — which assured me I would be the only one there.  I climbed up on the balcony to reach the stereo planted up high in the wall (don’t know why they feel like only short people steal) and I placed my Blood Sugar Sex Magik into the player. Then after a little stretching, I got on the machine of hell PRECOR elliptical monster and got pumping. I picked the hardest level of course because as you know from Day 15, I was overcompensating. By the time I’m at the highest hill, Anthony Kiedis is screaming “suck my kiss!” and I’m clasping my hands as if to pray  (something I rarely do anyway) because damn this is starting to hurt.

Then some guy walks in — right at the crescendo of Flea’s guitar. Because I’m a polite gym bitch, and my being nice may shock you, I tell the guy he can turn it off. He insists I was there first so it was up to me. Of course I tell him it’s OK even though the only thing keeping me on that friggin’ machine was that CD — well that and the fact that I saw my back this morning and realized I don’t need that much spine coverage. The redeeming part of this tale is the guy was at least decent looking. He decided to search out a show on the television but I don’t think I heard him ask me what I would prefer to watch. I figured since I was so damn nice, if he landed on something I hated, I would tell him. He decided on Dirty Jobs, which pleased me.

So the guy gets to stretching and I see he is taking off his cap and I realize the view is looking better. Then once on the rowing machine he takes off his shirt and gets going. Yes, my last five hills were a bit more pleasant somehow even though I was trying not to look — which I managed to accomplish because my hair kept getting in my face and you would never know the corner of my eye was gawking a tad bit. Then an older guy walks in and the two of them seem to know each other. This one is in shorts and pretty fit for whatever age I  figure he was and I became intimidated by his speed on the treadmill. By that time I was really ready to go — too much testosterone.

When I got into the apartment, I finished up on my crunches. Tiger Lily decided to find her way to my stomach to hang out. Maybe to help because she kept kneading my tummy. As if she could push my gut down. But I think even Lily knew that was a tough feat and slowly she walked away to the window instead. Yet another mixed emotion countdown day, but I feel the progress coming on. I’m going to have to really give it everything because alas, Thursday is one last day at the State Fair.

STD free is the life for me…

casual-sex-day.JPGThat may sound like a cheesy PSA or after-school special. But damn it’s so true. Being a single chick in this day and age of crazy STD stats is a tough sport. You kind of feel like saying, “It’s hard out here for a pimp…

Because man, even though I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things your mama says you shouldn’t, I’m not really feeling like risking things. I get tested every year. And every year feels like, *coughs* dodging a bullet, even when you know you stayed safe. Do I really have to discuss the reliability, or lack there of, when it comes to protection? I hate the word abstinence but I like my life. So if I’m not catching my share of worth-a-crap fish, I’m not going to risk my health on a quick swim. What’s a girl to do when she has a healthy appetite? Good thing I don’t live in Alabama.

Some may say that the stats big bad government gives us are exaggerated. However I highly doubt it. Mainly because it seems like two out of every five people I’ve ever met in my life have or had an STD. I don’t need to Google or go to the library for reinforcements here. That alone is enough. Why is sex so appealing? What a dumb question.

What I should really be asking is why does sex have to be so damn cursed? If you believe in Genesis, then maybe Eve can be our theory. Eve messed up royally grabbing that apple. 280px-shemaylookcleanbut.jpgWas that the beginning of crabs? Did she and Adam get an itchy rash after sharing the bittersweet fruit? I’m not aiming at being blasphemous. I’m really asking. There has to be traceable origin of the first STD which I’m guessing was syphilis. Any STD scholars out there? The ladies over at The Blog of Knowledge have some fun and usable sex-filled advice. Maybe I should ask them… 

But I’ve really digressed. I just want to state the obvious: I have embraced and ranted about being a single gal but we all have needs — even defiant bitches like me. Some folks will tell you to get a FB. I’m not big into the FB stuff. It never ends well and someone always ends up wanting more…OR when the other gets a girlfriend or boyfriend, there went your easy access to booty.

Do I really have to get in a serious relationship to feel safe? And even when you do, man…don’t get me started on cheating. Gee after writing about it, sex seems like too much trouble…

 Here’s a victory dance…

 

Suicide Note: Humor escaped me

I got tagged for an interesting meme.

Oddly I really wanted my suicide to sound witty but all I could muster was kind of a an empowered downer. And ironically being naturally long-winded, my death tale is short and bitter.

Hope it’s inspirational! Thanks Bagel.

Hope is for suckers…

My slow descent into hell wasn’t a silent one.
I know I was kicking and screaming as I went down.
I ranted.
I satisfied and entertained narcissistic behavior.
All the while I fell into the void of disbelief as I looked at the pathetic and dead world around me.
Not always the best daughter. Not always the best friend.
And my mediocre shell, though seemingly full of every bit of confidence I emitted, still wrestled with pushing the over-achievement I craved — was never patient for — and it all never being enough.
Is it ever enough?
And as you read this, whoever you may be, know that I hardly brushed the surface of all the answers I sought while schlepping this earth.

Death by tainted tuna