The curse of non-affection…(a plea for advice)

So it finally happened. I met a great guy. And in the midst of this home-buying jazz, I guess I have been officially dating so combined with work I’m almost never alone. However as of 20 minutes ago it may be quite clear that I am no longer doing that. You see, I’m not a huge cuddler. I mean, I like it and all when I feel like it but I’m not a non-stop, gotta hang on you, hug on you, kiss on you kind of gal…And in a fit of trying to get some zzz’s tonight and just wanting some air, I got up and said I can’t sleep like this. Granted, we haven’t done, well, you know. But it’s only been like TWO WEEKS. What does he expect? I just like to sleep on MY side of the bed and be left alone. But I guess that wasn’t cool. And I’m just playing this game safer than my past hurry-up-and-wait relationships.

But I gotta tell you, I grew up with a wonderful father. He always was and is there for me. He supports my crazy antics, listens and helps when he can. But he’s not affectionate. I wasn’t brought up being called princess. I didn’t get hugged all the time except on occasion from my mother. The household was loving for the most part, just not touchy-feely like other families I guess. It didn’t really bother me. But maybe it’s translated into my not really being touchy-feely. I like holding hands and stuff but I’m not going to be all up in your ass all day. I’m surprised to find a guy who wants, and needs, that. So he left. And I think we aren’t dating now. Not sure really. He left saying he thinks he needs to “figure stuff out??” And I just got off the phone with him and he said he will call me tomorrow. I don’t feel like I have to pay for the psychos of his past. And I’ve given him so much of the benefit of the doubt.

Just because I needed my side of the bed? Men. Help me out here.

11 responses to this post.

  1. From my view and experiences I would say that this guy constantly needs validation, and in a hurry.
    He would like to know right away for sure that he has a keeper. And what translates that better than the walking all over creation with your arms around each other ?
    Which I always found to be a very clumsy experience.
    Like the high schoolers that just have to show everyone that they are an official issue, its lame. Flying united
    Or he just wants to keep reaffirming that he has that physical pass.
    Its hard to tell someone ” hey I like you but dont be hanging on me so much” without ruining things.
    Tell em to knock the grabby shit. But give him a little goose once in a while just to let him know you care.
    Or you can just fuck the living shit out of him to let know that you are not a cold fish.
    Worse comes to worse this guy just might be one horny motherfucker and is in it for the short ride.
    All you


  2. My bad.
    All you need to do is communicate this to him exactly the way you did here on this blog.
    That oughta open things up without too much danage.


  3. When Micky2 comments there really isn’t much more to to say.

    The only thing I can add is that I’m like you in that when I want to sleep I can’t do it comfortably with someone spooning me with an arm and a leg thrown over me. It’s nice at first but after a few minutes the body heat gets too high and I also need to shift around a little until I fall asleep.

    I remember hearing some comedian doing a bit about the differences between a brand-new relationship and a married relationship.
    He said that in the beginning the two of you sleep all tangled and wrapped around each other like a game of twister but after a few years of marraige someone eventually says “Ahem . . .excuse me . . . but I believe you are on . . . my side of the bed . . .

    I’m perfectly happy with the latter from the very start.


  4. Posted by Nectarfizz on Sunday, April 6, 2008 at 2:12 am

    It will work out, I think he sounds like he likes you a lot and is scared you don’t like him the same. Let him know that just cause you don’t want to cuddle doesn’t mean you don’t like him bunches. Maybe show him affection in other ways.


  5. Well, things have been patched over since this. I think he really started to realize that he needed to cool down. So we are good…for now. Thanks for all the advice everyone!


  6. There are two kinds of people in this world. Tangle up with your partner people, and I need my own air space people. They do not really mix. At first they can. They can fake it. But think about it long term. Say a couple decades. Twenty years sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to touch when you want to touch, or sleeping with someone who is on you when you want empty space. Doesn’t mix.


  7. A couple of decades, Max?! I’d be lucky to last a couple of years! My track record is awful.


  8. Everything in life is a compromise. When you meet someone you feel is worth it, you will cuddle even if it’s for him. That’ s when you know you’re in love, because you do things in spite of yourself.


  9. Well as you all may have figured out, this really wasn’t an ender. We are still dating…so I guess I’m not a monster afterall.


  10. Hi, I think Micky2 might have something. I’m a guy with a terrific craving for validation. I think its driven by terrible feelings of insecurity and a lack of self esteem and it is a relationship killer. Even though you tell him you love him, you share your bed with him and maybe SMS him all day he still has this fear of being abandoned by you and needs a lot of reassurance maybe even near constant reassurance from you.

    That sort of needyness is bound to be wearing and maybe he can’t handle the stress of your reasonable need for space. It can be easier to leave than feel in fear all the time. I have even engineered fights to cause a breakup. How can you cope with that!! I’m not sure you can…


  11. […] is supposed to be my boyfriend in four days. What’s funny is this is the guy who started off kind of clingy. Now he’s so focused on self-improvement and all his ambition that I’m no longer on […]


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