Black women: they don’t want you.

Warning: This is written as stream of consciousness, you find your own clarity. And I’m sure, your own disagreements with me.

Before leaving my home around 10 p.m. last night, I checked the mirror. I didn’t feel that my hair looked it’s best but overall I felt pretty. Makeup was at a minimum. I dabbed on a little scented oil and dashed out the door. The place I was going was unfamiliar to me but I knew what the crowd would be like — artists, poets, talented people who probably have boring day jobs.

Upon reaching my destination, I felt very alone already. The street was quiet. Just a couple walked passed me, hand in hand. Surveying the street before entering, I walked into a quaint bistro — pretty much ready for a glass of wine, beer, some grub. Before deciding on something ridiculously priced, I realized I was right. Artist types. A few wearing those Hunter S. Thompson  stances, a few looking over their notes before approaching the mic, several looking authentic in afros, dreadlocks — no one really taking notice of me but that was fine. A cute couple approached in line after I placed my order. He full of dreads and a nice, dark physic; she with alabaster skin and flowing brown hair. Nice-looking pair I thought and I took my seat.

Then I noticed something. Every black female, including myself, was either alone or with a group of other black females who were alone. For all I know, they had men at home but part of me, cynical me, doubted it. I looked around. Including the couple mention previously, there were two more black male/white female pairings. That usually doesn’t bother me…

Last night it did. It bothered me because most of the non-black men in the room were not coupled. Again, they could have had mates at home I’m obviously not aware of. Aside from possible sexual preferences, after all not everyone is heterosexual of course, I just wanted to scream this question: So what is the problem here?

Why can’t either one get passed whatever it is holding them back. Me? I’m guilty of a late case of shyness. I’m not shy but I’m no longer able to get off my ass and approach a guy without the fear of rejection. Meanwhile any non-black man in the room even glancing at me is doing the same — nothing. Could we all just be afraid of rejection or is it something more?

Black women will increase in record numbers of being alone later and later in life. When the same can be said of non-black men, is that when we will take notice?

6 responses to this post.

  1. I’ve had experiences like that. No matter how cute you fix your hair or make up. No matter how much you smile and be friendly. It just doesn’t work. It was probably just a bad night and a weak crowd.
    But it’s hard out there for us black women, Jenice. There’s no sugar-coating it. The only thing we can do is broaden our dating pool. Maybe as black women, it’s time to do research, crunch the numbers and go where the single men are? Maybe it’s time to find a place where people don’t have the racial hang ups? I feel a blog post coming on. Thanks for the inspiration.

    Just chalk it up to an off night. Girl you you know are fierce!


  2. assumptions are dangerous

    i can’t account for what happened to you but i would like to give you a general point and a semi-related story…

    general point is that we are all becoming atomised individuals due to what is erroneously called the general drift of society but is actually by design. that may have something to do with what happened rather than race issues.


    i have no idea why they aren’t talking to you. it is strange.

    the strangeness differs from place to place tho.

    i spent a year in south korea which is a country that has an extremely low percentage of foreigners [and no scots].

    i am tall ( 6 foot 3) [the koreans aren’t] and usually have between two days and a weeks growth on my face.

    all three of those things made me unusual in that place (white, tall, beard) and the reactions were bizarre to see.

    the little 2-3-4 year old kids were funny because they had never seen anything like this big monster in front of them. there were two reactions.. the first was an outburst of laughter and the second was hiding behind their mothers legs in fear and confusion.

    there is a lot of racism there too. there are plenty of places i went into that i was told ‘waygook aniyo’ – which means ‘no westerners’. this is a hangover from the korean war and i can understand that. there was a lot of anti-black racism as well, tho not sure where that comes from.

    some koreans were like that but most weren’t and i have never let this stuff alter my behaviour. i have never in my life looked at the world in terms of races. i look at it thru cultures. i had a couple of extremely pleasant evenings in the company of korean girls but never ended up going out with any of them because i noticed very early in my time there an alarming tendency they had toward making their boyfriends/husbands wear matching clothes which i regard as a form of cultural and spiritual death.

    there was a kind of korean girl and a kind of westerner that would pair up and regard each other as some kind of badge of honour. i was determined not to allow this sort of shit to happen to me. if i met someone i liked fine, korean or whoever – would never let it stop me.

    the point i am making is that maybe it is just ridiculous cultural baggage that people assume other people carry even when they probably dont. you seem to assume all sorts of preconceptions on the other persons side and maybe they are doing the same thing with you.

    assumptions are dangerous

    as an extra…

    on the feminist side of things there was a story when i was there that the ministry for gender equality (it should be alarming that they have to have such a thing) was in trouble for offering incentives to companies not to send their execs to brothels on the christmas night out. strikes me as treating the symptoms and not the illness.


  3. What town did you say you lived in ?
    Sounds like its time for a little social engineering by yours truly.
    Lonely black women ?
    Wheres my keys ?


  4. Dallas. Dallas isn’t as progressive as it appears…Michael Greenwell, I see your point. And I know I was taking liberties with preconceived notions. But as open-minded as I hope I am, there are just days where I feel like this. And those are the days that I waddle in these preconceived notions because I’m not really hearing why this is happening. It is surely fact that you can look up yourself that shows that the loneliest, single person in the world is the black female. We are continually single at alarming rates for several reasons. All I know is I’m someone who doesn’t care about race and I don’t really find myself running into a flurry of people who feel the same when it comes to dating. Scratch that. When it comes to dating and finding someone you don’t mind taking home to mommy. I could tell you stories that could make your hair curl. I don’t understand people. I don’t understand not branching out and not being afraid to not care about boundaries.


  5. Wonderful Post! Black women MUST expand their options to get the love they deserve. Think outside of the box, not only racially but strategically. Goto mixers, dance lessons, hobby-cententered events and even online….My social life has greatly improved since making a point to expand my options….Black women deserve better!



  6. I used to be only attracted to black guys until I opened my eyes a little wider one day- to be specific, when I was introduced to Smallville a few years ago, I noticed how hot Tom Welling is, lol. I still have a slightly higher attraction toward black men in general, but now I see it when people say Brad Pitt is hot and I agree. Before I would have just shrugged my shoulders and said “Oh, that white guy… he’s alright.”

    I do think that black women are very loyal to black men. We’re conditioned to like the people we most resemble. I was caught in the same trap before I noticed.

    Men in general, however, don’t seem to be as conditioned in this way. They seem to be more open to appreciate the beauty of a variety of looks (I could be very wrong). I do know that there are plenty of white men that will date whatever race, but it’s not so much the same with black women, though the numbers are increasing. I remember one guy visiting Miami telling me “I just moved down here from Atlanta and I’m having a hard time find a black girlfriend; ya’ll don’t like white guys down here or something?” So I guess area makes a difference too. Here in Miami I hardly see black women date outside their race, though in New York and Cali it’s more common.

    The lack of bw/wm couples may also be do to fear of rejection as you say. It is often assumed that wm don’t find bw attractive or that bw don’t want anyone but bm (though the latter seems to be true) I also read an article (don’t know where and when) that stated that wm are very loyal to family expectations, so they only seriously date what the family would approve of (no matter what their attraction) unlike ww who don’t seem to give a flying fuck what dad thinks. Don’t know how true that one is, though.

    Anyway, I hope I didn’t bore you. lol


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