When life is too short…

I woke up this morning to yet another dream about a person who is no longer in my life. I tend to have the most bizarre and telling dreams but I never know what to do with them. In this particular instance, each time this person appears in my dreams, she is filled with mind-numbing illness and doesn’t really speak to me. She just sends these subtle cues I still don’t understand.

In reality, we are no longer friends. My habit here of blogging ended our friendship. Thing is I’m just someone who thinks with emotions. Whether or not that is a good thing, it has always has been a fault/trait/whatever part of me  and for the most part, I don’t really mean to hurt a soul unless they have hurt me. In this case I hurt someone unwillingly, unknowingly and in fact stupidly innocent in a comment to someone else’s blog…

Fastforward to now and I can tell you I recently received an email at work (of all places) from a person to my knowledge she no longer wants to have a thing to do with. He tracked down my work email and I didn’t appreciate that. I also didn’t appreciate that it was to ask me about what had happened to her. Why she wasn’t responsive…

He stated that he had received an email from her husband to leave her alone and that she had been in the hospital. It troubled me. She is often not well. And I didn’t know she had become that ill. I let him know that no longer having the friendship was painful enough, but to actually email me and tell me she had been in the hospital was even more tough. I told him I don’t have his answers of course and it wasn’t even my place to tell him if I even had them. The nerve of this man. I told him to never contact me again. And I told him to do the same of her. To leave her alone. In peace.

No matter what hurtful words said and mostly written between us, I will never stop caring what happens to the friend I have lost even if I’ll never really know what is happening in her life. I can only hope she will be well.

I’ll never really understand. And it’s no longer for me to know.

To live a life without regret is brave. I could sit here like many people I’ve heard time and time again and say I don’t regret a thing. I’m not that brave. I know there are things in my life that I would change. But the key is to let it go if you can’t change them.

It’s strange how the holidays make us all so sentimental. I just keep thinking how short life is…

3 responses to this post.

  1. We would have to be fools to not regret things that have made us stronger and wiser.
    But when people tell me they dont regret anything I quickly discount them as full of shit.
    I,ve done some things that I would give a piece of my body if I could go back in time and fix.
    In my case I just have to humble myself and try harder to never let it happen again.
    But I still regret the damage done to those undesereving of it.
    It sounds like you truly mean well in all instances so dont be too hard on yourself.
    Even though you’re not a conservative I think you’re alright.
    he he.


  2. Posted by The Harlequin on Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 1:05 am

    Don’t regret shit. You haven’t done anyone wrong. Relieve yourself of such a thought.

    Nothing that you have done has been in vain. I knew he would contact you, and I knew you would never be malicious. For this, I cannot thank you enough.

    Our friendship didn’t end because of a blog and comments. In fact, I still refer to you as ‘my friend’ when I speak of you. It’s like when you left and I didn’t see you for many years. Think of it like that. One day, we will meet again…

    A mother will let a child go as much as it hurts, to see the child get the happiness they deserve. Watch ‘Stella’ instead of ‘Beaches’ (you aren’t the first person remembers me when they watch that film, damn that Barbara Hershey) and it may make more sense to you. Really, how could I be your friend if I listened to unnecessary woes day in and day out, weighed you down with my troubles? It was time for you to live. Don’t think I don’t check on you to see rather how you are doing, then what you would be saying about me. We were never like that, not us, Jewish. We did it to everyone else, but not to each other.

    I won’t pick up the phone to call you, but maybe one day I will. Let me pull myself together. I can’t come in and ruin your focus. That’s not a friend, that is ‘everyone else’. I am seeing you more where I want you, and I love it. You really must have never had faith in me that I love to watch people accomplish, to live, to do…that I really just enjoy what other people can do, not what I cannot.

    Something I wrote on an about me, before I left the blogging world (really I couldn’t get the hang of this, and could never escape you-know-who’s endless search for me)
    “Deep inside, I’m an optimist, I look like a pessimist, but I am a realist because of life, love, and health.

    Personally, I believe that everyone has a purpose here on Earth. The Kaleidoscopic Twist of my life is that I am here to teach my wonderful husband that life is not like Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but rather like Wuthering Heights. The heroine never outlives the hero; life is a beautiful, amazing tragedy.”

    Add yourself in there.

    Your writing style has changed, but I saw a quick repeat of the dating thing. I know you don’t believe, but I told you God has a reason. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s not because you are black, and your pictures on here do not do you justice, just letting your new blogging friends know how much of your beauty is robbed when someone takes a picture of you…

    I am fine, don’t worry about me. Ever. I’ll let you know if it gets that bad; you are the one memory I can never forget. I wanted to say something on your birthday, but I just didn’t feel very good that day.

    I liked your resolutions, and I pray that you stick to them.
    Oh, and horses, white and red ones…white you know is death or sickness, red is just anxiety. Don’t respond to this comment, just know that I love you more than you ever could think possible.



  3. Posted by The Harlequin on Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 1:07 am

    Oh, and you know a necessity is a song, whilst reading such a thing…it’s my M.O.


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