“You have 10 profile views…”

Once upon a time in the land of pseudo optimism, I opened an account on a dating site — even though I pride myself on being independent and embracing my single life (*snickers a little…*) I know. I know. But gee, I just ran plum out of places to meet guys I would eventually have nothing in common with. Go figure.

At the time I opened the account it was after a few people in my life convinced me to put myself out there, so I did. Just to see what it was all about. However I’ve since neglected the profile pretty much because I refused to waste my cold cash for the “pleasure” of contacting/responding to an I’m Online smiley face. But because I never turned the email feature off, I was still getting email alerts every time I got profile views or if someone sent me a message. I should have deleted it sooner but left it up just to see what would filter in — partly for laughs but mostly for curiosity.

It’s kind of sad though. One: To even have the profile in the first place. Two: To realize online the same thing you realize in “real” life — looking kind of sucks. I figure it’s just better to lie low and see what happens in your day to day bustle. Well that and the messages below are from guys I’ve attracted and they weren’t a strong case for going the online route. Please note that I have not altered a single word except any phone numbers or “real” names. And nine out of ten of the guys who contacted me were well over my age range (no offense to any readers of a certain age!)

Bonjour and you are joli. Here it is a Sunday night and I have long since been awake. And as I met the Lord this morning in the stillness of this days awakening-I ask Him once again Lord, will today be the day that I find a friend who is looking for me? So after viewing your profile, I ponder for awhile to pay this fee, please allow me to introduce myself I am Chef Joey I am a man who has many gifts and have already reached several of my goals. My life and my love for God have moved me into Next Dimension thinking. “A Man of substance, a hard working man and I do put in many long hours, oh and a character, I get silly at time”. I look forward to the next season of my life, with the one, He prepare for me. I am a classic romantic. Small notes on a pillow, surprise warm baths and hot oil for a weary day. If you want to be romance and spoil, that I can do. I have shared some of my thoughts with you; won’t you take the time to share a few words with me? As I stated in my profile I am open to a real conversation, via telephone. Online chatting/emailing back and forth does absolutely nothing for me. Talk with me, I’d love to hear your voice my number is 555-555-5555.

Signed A. Guy I Need a Translator For AND Probably Needs a Green Card

Prove you wrong? Hmmmmm……….. I guess I can surmise from that, that you just naturally assume you are right . I checked out your website. You have a very discerning eye. You’re very artistic. My artistc talents tend toward the graphic. I enjoy drawing and painting a bit. I would really like to learn more about you. Please check out my profile and if you find it interesting, hit me back. I would love to chat with you.
Have a great day, hope to hear from you soon.

Signed A. Guy Who Said He’s Looking for a Dark-Skinned Beauty (AND WELL OVER 50!)

Granted my profile headline did say, “creative cynic, prove me wrong.” Cheesy, I know. And this guy’s about the most intelligent message I had received. But did I mention he was/is looking for a dark-skinned beauty? WTF???!?!?!

Nice essay…obviously an intelligent, interesting lady. I could probably shoot some stick w/ya…we’ll chat soon…

Signed A. Guy Who Took My Love of Pool to New and OBVIOUS Heights

Hi ,I’m (bleep) i like your pic(s) & profile a little about myself i’m spontaneous,fun loving & witty. I’m open minded and eclectic I enjoy meeting new people going to new places and doing new things.I’d love to hear your story if open to talking drop me a line ….. …have a great day……ciao!

Signed A. Guy I Can’t Believe Signed A Message with Ciao

I could go on but that would just be wrong. It’s only a small taste of the messages I got. You know how Seinfield would be so damn picky about his dates and would find the dumbest things to dump them over? Well I’m not sure if I was really being picky by not responding to these guys but I do know I got the creeps. And even though looks aren’t everything, how hard is it to get a photo of you that isn’t in front of your Driver’s Select  BMW or out of focus, or taken with a cell phone, or obviously from 1985? 

As 30 rears it’s hopefully lovely head, I wonder if I can nab me an 80-year-old hottie who likes billiards, black women and needs me to send money to his far off land so he can come marry me proper.

Wow. I make a really pissed of cat.

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11 responses to this post.

  1. A friend once told me: You can chase a butterfly all over the field and never catch it. But if you sit quietly in the grass it will come and sit on your shoulder.

    Reply

  2. J –

    You have a wonderful knack for taking the routine, such as online dating, and putting your special spin on it.

    I love this post. Who knew the mundatecould be so refreshing.

    You are a keen observer!

    CIAO MY DARK SKINNED BEAUTY…. I can hardly stand myself this morning…. HAHA

    Reply

  3. You know, in the old country, where I’m from (I’m 80), we, the very wealthy, have a saying: A secret is no longer a secret if more than one person knows about it.

    Think about that.

    Reply

  4. Ok. You have lost me, yet again anti. I guess I’ve dropped a little TOO much information or something???

    BTW, Chris. Thanks.

    Reply

  5. Arghh. My weirdness alarm went off too. I’m with Herman on the butterfly thing. It happened to me that way.

    Reply

  6. Honestly Arm Jerker J. you could never drop too much information.

    I was quoting, just quoting.

    Reply

  7. AH. I get it now sir anti. You make me giggle.

    Reply

  8. Hey, I actually found my husband online, and married, for the first time, at age 44!
    (he was the only person who ever sent me a correctly spelled and punctuated email. He’s a writer.)

    It’s good to get out there, if for no other reason than to stay in practice. Also, dates make great blog entries. I should find the one about the guy who took me to a really expensive restaurant…and then forgot his wallet, so I had to pick up the check.
    It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t spent the whole time talking about his ex-wife 😀

    Reply

  9. crud–late at night, and I should clarify, since the cold medicine has gone to my head:

    I found my husband online, and THEN married him. He wasn’t married when I found him.
    And I was 44, never married; he was 45, never married.

    damn dangling modifiers! :p

    Reply

  10. Really, Bug?
    I guess I’m just not a believer yet.

    Reply

  11. well, given that I’m an introverted nerd, and my idea of a good time is reading a book or digging a hole in my garden, where *else* would I find a mate than online?
    😀

    The last thing I’m interested in is hanging out in a bar. Hanging out online, I already do.

    Quite a few people I know have met spouses online via forums they frequent (James Randi Forum and GardenNet come to mind.)

    Reply

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