Archive for August 15th, 2007

A re-edit of the same theme: Why do people cheat?

 [Update: This is a CENSORED version of a previous post. I hate the word censorship but sometimes…well…let’s just say it/I ruffled some feathers … (!)]

I remember a time when I could say I was a less than conservative person.

I knew what I wanted. I went into any bar-lounge-club, found who I wanted to “spend time with” and took that person home — on my terms. I flirted. I got my fix. And I still maintained with my job and family fairly in tact. I did this quite often.

Today I look back and not only say those were some “fun” times but I can safely say (and admit) they weren’t exactly healthy times. I wouldn’t trade any of it but what I can say is that during all of that time of sexual and self-exploration, I was never married. I hadn’t any children. I’m now 29 and don’t regret those two major facts about my life.

Almost everyone I know at this point of my life/age is either married, have children or both. Though I do wish my left ring finger was occupado sort of speak, I would never trade my life today with those I know who have these things. And maybe it’s the age talking or just getting past those stages in my life, but I don’t understand why some people in those situations choose to “have their cake and eat it too”– for lack of a better cliche.

My question is why in the hell do people wait until they have so much going on (i.e. marriage, kids, etc.)? I know things just seem to happen. But once they do, I feel that you need to accept them, work on them or decide it just doesn’t work. And even when you cut that final cord of marriage, and still have young children, you have to just face the reality and responsibility before you. Letting strange men follow you home to have your way with you, even on nights your child/children isn’t/aren’t home, are the selfish actions of someone fresh out of highschool. Not someone on the brink of mid life.

Being someone who is perpetually single, it really physically sickens me when I see this behavior. I’ve made these decisions: staying on the pill, being a little more selective and focusing on my career. I have accepted them. I LIVE with them. But I know I want more. When I see women and men cheat all I can think is, “What about the rest of us??” Why are you grabbing all of the pie? Even if some of the pie taste like rotten ass?

Some of us are trying to do things the “right” way. So many people seem to take advantage of monogamous individuals those of us who have a conscious would be proud to say were our spouse. But instead both parties in these hopeless, extramarital situations, no matter how innocent one of the parties can be, are at fault by either performing the behavior or enabling it. Why grab so much? Why not take the small pieces of the pie, digest it a bit and then decide, “Shit, I don’t really like blackberry pie after all.” Make peace with it and cut those extra, sordid details out – such as the need to cheat.

If it isn’t working, and you don’t want to try to fix things and work things out before you decide to go off and cheat, end the marriage. Having kids who are the product of divorce is much more healthy than having kids in the middle of fights about affairs, accusations, disgust and late nights. I don’t know. I don’t have kids or a husband to judge. But what I do have is enough respect for myself to know that at some point of your life, leading a promiscuous lifestyle borders on desperate past a certain age. At some point in your life you have to hang up your favorite accessible top, miniskirt and less than flattering lap-dance moves.

You can still be sexy without seething with desperation – without the pathetic attempts to be noticed by the opposite sex. And at some point you have to wake up and say, “I’m not a kid anymore and if I’ve got oats to sow, how about waiting until I have a few less strings on my apron.” It’s so important to know where to draw the line on greed. Only so much cake, pie or other savory substances can fit in your stomach before things get out of hand and you have to purge.

Why do they always creep their way back?

Once upon a time, I met a guy online around New Year’s Eve.

I know, I know. Already risky at best but I took it a step further and actually went out with this guy on what is always considered a very special night. We had a great time, had some laughs (awful kisser at midnight though) and stayed in touch for about a week.

Without getting into all the gory details, let’s just say things didn’t really end that well. And for the life of me I don’t even really remember why we became angry with each other but I do remember the terrible stuff we said. That’s all I can muster really and that, my friends, was quite enough because HE WENT THERE.

Ultimately though, I’m not sure if that matters almost a year later…

And I guess it doesn’t really matter to him because he found me on myspace. I don’t have a personal profile anymore, just one for my photography “biz,” which he didn’t know jack about. Prior to him finding me there, he sent a myspace invite for me to start a profile –you know the emails you get when someone wants you to join some social-networking thing. I thought that was the end of it. Then a week later I get this invite on my photog page to be his friend.

Now this guy isn’t EXACTLY a pro with the ladies. Not like I’m some sort of super expert myself when it comes to the opposite sex. But I get the feeling he hasn’t had so great of a run. Why else would he be hitting me up after everything? And does he REALLY think I will add him (even though I add just about EVERYONE to that site to get my name out there) without an email?? I’m not that stupid — or desperate. Maybe that is what he is thinking.

Anyway, between hearing people complain about marriage, hearing about the latest divorce and not really finding myself attracted to what has been thrown out there in front of me, I’m starting to think that single is the NEW RELATIONSHIP: Being right with yourself first. Make yourself STAND yourself first. Then see what happens.

Well, I’m standing my ground. And more likely than not this guy may not even remember me exactly and just did a random age/location/gender search.

Who knows.