I admire folks like Laurie Kendrick…and Mike over at Aye Wonder.
Keeping up a blog isn’t easy. I think I just created too many and got overwhelmed. Then I guess I just forgot about them. I don’t think it was an overnight thing…just slowly but surely I just stopped.
I’m never at a loss for words. But I’m finding it odd that something I went after for about three years could just stop being a part of my weekly process. Somewhere in there work got in the way I’m sure, but it doesn’t take a lot to post something here, does it?
I look at the blog I used to have here and it makes me a little teary. I met so many interesting people. I laughed, sympathized, made a few friends, cried…became inspired. Now I’m left wondering whether or not to close this one up and start anew. Although since I have dropped off on writing, I don’t think I have many readers left anyway.
I’m thinking about Tumblr and Posterous. Maybe those are more my speed for now. In that span of three years I’ve gone through illness, job descriptions changes and spiritual awakenings. A lot of which I’ve shared here. I don’t really know now where I’m headed, with this blog or in general. But 2010 has me inspired again and I want to continue writing. One place or another…
I grew up knowing that my mother was different than everyone else’s mom. It was something I had to learn to accept, though to this day I’m not sure I did until this year. I wasn’t the easiest child during those early years either. I’m sure I still am not in her eyes. But somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, I’ve just stopped resenting her.
This year was the first time in my life that when people asked me of my spiritual beliefs I could truly say that I was very spiritual. Maybe not in the “traditional” Southern Bible Belt way, but I pray and I put faith in more things than I have ever in my life. My head is spinning with change. Positive change. A word so overused this year but very appropriate to my growing. Discovering who I am was never something I felt I had to journey but somehow I am on one and I’m not as scared as I thought I would be.
I’ve always loved my mother, but one word I can never put to her is the word change. She’s just not a fan. Though her words from years gone by are less harsh, they still hold weight in my heart. She is manic depressive. I have to tell myself that everyday when I think of what she may have said or what I anticipate her saying. Even though she is more well than not through medication, she still is the mother I watched have breakdown after breakdown and I for one was a child who had to grow up fast.
This morning was a breakthrough for me in all of this I’ve just written. No matter what you try to attach to what shapes my mother, beyond her control or otherwise, one word I have to associate with her is negativity. She is a wonderful woman, loving and kind and I don’t say this as a way to insult her passive aggressively. But as I move along in my path in life, and as she has so much trouble accepting much of it, her general words on it all are not supportive. For years I craved acceptance and for years to come I will have to forget about asking or wishing for it. And in growing I have to shut my mind and ears off to words that will no longer help…especially these: “You know IT runs in the family.”
Let me tell you about IT. My grandmother, uncle and mother are very familiar with IT — mental illness. Suddenly a mention of having trouble getting out of bed or the fact that I have been working on projects to help non-profits seems all to familiar to my mother. “You have highs and lows. You always want to do different things.” What I reminded her of is that I have a thyroid disorder as I’ve mentioned in this blog before and so does she. The thyroid has much to do with mood and all around general health. And in the mornings that I have trouble pulling myself from the covers, I don’t dread my life. I’m just tired. And through my wanting to help people anyway I can, I’m not overly simulated with mania, I just want to make a difference.
I let her know today that I have to break this cycle of negativity. We have to as our own selves. We have to make our own path and follow it even if it feels scary. Even if your family doesn’t approve. You just have to take YOUR step. No one else can do it for you. And not everyone will applaud when you take it.
A few weeks ago I was stuck behind a large truck on my way to work. I often am stuck behind a large truck or two on my way to work. This particular truck, however, had the normal “offensive” stickers all over it. One of which said, “Welcome to America. Now learn English.” I posted about this topic on my Facebook and got quite a response. Although I do understand the frustration of trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t know much English (and the irritiation that comes with knowing that some families choose not to EVER learn once they arrive here), imagine being in their shoes. And let’s just remember that when we visit outside of our Land of the Free, we should never assume everyone there will or CAN speak English. In this instance I found myself torn on the topic for the reasons I mentioned above and for the fact that I am an American. And I know how many people who come here want that affiliation but don’t have it yet. Bumper stickers as food for thought isn’t really a new thing. But I have found myself noticing them more these days. My friend, who is a farmer for a CSA, gave me a sticker that says, “Who’s Your Farmer?” Well, she is. And I was proud to display it. And it must have been a pretty cool sticker because when I came back to my car after lunch in Deep Ellum yesterday, it was gone. Peeled clean off. I guess they wanted Marie to be THEIR farmer too…
But all of this just makes me wonder, should we wear our thoughts, ideals, emotions and our hearts on our cars? In the journalism biz, we are pretty much forbidden to place political stuff on our cars. It shows bias and is frowned upon. However, I’ve seen plenty of J folks sporting their beliefs loud and clear on their back windows. And in today’s interesting climate in the media industry, does this even matter anymore? The rules have changed. We have changed. So is it wrong to share our thoughts as openly as what we stick on our cars? Even if you aren’t a media type, what about if you are a teacher? A pastor? A therapist? Should your car remain silent and forever hold it’s peace?
It all started with work. They have us using Twitter and Facebook a lot at my job. I guess it’s newspaper media’s last ditch effort to connect to the world. Anyway it just morphed from there.
Facebook and Twitter have become my coffee and cigarette. Not that I’m a big user of those vices but the comparison is pretty spot on. And ever since I bought this blasted iPhone, I am on the social network high all day, everyday. In fact, I’m typing this from the WordPress ap! What have I become? By the way, if you have a Facebook, add me and find me on Twitter @Jenice78. He he.
I finally purchased one and I feel dirty. I think it’s elitist and Apple is the super sophisticated and slick version of the monopolizing Wal-Mart. They have taken over. And they have infiltrated everything. Yet…I…can’t…stop…playing…with…the…koi…pond!
I have to admit, though a very reluctant buyer, I am enjoying this blasted thing. It’s a miniature extension of ourselves. All our cravings summed up in little applications. All our musical choices labeled and at our fingertips. Oh why, oh why have I succumbed to sheeple behavior? Oh yea. Because it’s cool.