I grew up knowing that my mother was different than everyone else’s mom. It was something I had to learn to accept, though to this day I’m not sure I did until this year.  I wasn’t the easiest child during those early years either. I’m sure I still am not in her eyes. But somewhere along the way from childhood to adulthood, I’ve just stopped resenting her.

This year was the first time in my life that when people asked me of my spiritual beliefs I could truly say that I was very spiritual. Maybe not in the “traditional” Southern Bible Belt way, but I pray and I put faith in more things than I have ever in my life. My head is spinning with change.  Positive change. A word so overused this year but very appropriate to my growing. Discovering who I am was never something I felt I had to journey but somehow I am on one and I’m not as scared as I thought I would be.

I’ve always loved my mother, but one word I can never put to her is the word change. She’s just not a fan. Though her words from years gone by are less harsh, they still hold weight in my heart. She is manic depressive. I have to tell myself that everyday when I think of what she may have said or what I anticipate her saying. Even though she is more well than not through medication, she still is the mother I watched have breakdown after breakdown and I for one was a child who had to grow up fast.

This morning was a breakthrough for me in all of this I’ve just written. No matter what you try to attach to what shapes my mother, beyond her control or otherwise, one word I have to associate with her is negativity. She is a wonderful woman, loving and kind and I don’t say this as a way to insult her passive aggressively. But as I move along in my path in life, and as she has so much trouble accepting much of it, her general words on it all are not supportive. For years I craved acceptance and for years to come I will have to forget about asking or wishing for it. And in growing I have to shut my mind and ears off to words that will no longer help…especially these: “You know IT runs in the family.”

Let me tell you about IT. My grandmother, uncle and mother are very familiar with IT — mental illness.  Suddenly a mention of having trouble getting out of bed or the fact that I have been working on projects to help non-profits seems all to familiar to my mother. “You have highs and lows. You always want to do different things.”  What I reminded her of is that I have a thyroid disorder as I’ve mentioned in this blog before and so does she. The thyroid has much to do with mood and all around general health. And in the mornings that I have trouble pulling myself from the covers, I don’t dread my life. I’m just tired. And through my wanting to help people anyway I can, I’m not overly simulated with mania, I just want to make a difference.

I let her know today that I have to break this cycle of negativity. We have to as our own selves. We have to make our own path and follow it even if it feels scary. Even if your family doesn’t approve. You just have to take YOUR step. No one else can do it for you. And not everyone will applaud when you take it.

I don’t think I can shut this blog down. Though I know my readers have probably left me long ago. I just don’t have the focus for it now that I’m on Twitter. Is that pathetic? Who knows for how long this trend will last. But I’m micro-blogging everyday on my page @Jenice78. I have a lot to say and sometimes nothing at all. But in this world of get it now, short and sweet, blogging can become pretty difficult. How about you? Are you finding the same problem?

I will surely come back here again very soon and talk to you some more…if anyone is even left! But until then, you can read my ramblings on my Twitter page. And I still continue to update my photo blog at artsbyjphotography.com.

Who else is still out there, WordPress writers?

A few weeks ago I was stuck behind a large truck on my way to work. I often am stuck behind a large truck or two on my way to work. This particular truck, however, had the normal “offensive” stickers all over it. One of which said, “Welcome to America. Now learn English.” I posted about this topic on my Facebook and got quite a response. Although I do understand the frustration of trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t know much English (and the irritiation that comes with knowing that some families choose not to EVER learn once they arrive here), imagine being in their shoes. And let’s just remember that when we visit outside of our Land of the Free, we should never assume everyone there will or CAN speak English. In this instance I found myself torn on the topic for the reasons I mentioned above and for the fact that I am an American. And I know how many people who come here want that affiliation but don’t have it yet. Bumper stickers as food for thought isn’t really a new thing. But I have found myself noticing them more these days. My friend, who is a farmer for a CSA, gave me a sticker that says, “Who’s Your Farmer?” Well, she is. And I was proud to display it. And it must have been a pretty cool sticker because when I came back to my car after lunch in Deep Ellum yesterday, it was gone. Peeled clean off. I guess they wanted Marie to be THEIR farmer too…

But all of this just makes me wonder, should we wear our thoughts, ideals, emotions and our hearts on our cars? In the journalism biz, we are pretty much forbidden to place political stuff on our cars. It shows bias and is frowned upon. However, I’ve seen plenty of J folks sporting their beliefs loud and clear on their back windows. And in today’s interesting climate in the media industry, does this even matter anymore? The rules have changed. We have changed. So is it wrong to share our thoughts as openly as what we stick on our cars? Even if you aren’t a media type, what about if you are a teacher? A pastor? A therapist? Should your car remain silent and forever hold it’s peace?

It isn’t really working well at the moment. But I will leave it up. I’m not really on here much anymore so I’m not sure how many of you guys are left! But I am on Twitter @Jenice78. You get two cookies if you discover my photography Twitter as well! I need to really get to blogging more. I do a fair amount of it on my photography one that you can find at http://artsbyjphotography.wordpress.com/.

That’s what I’m up to…

It all started with work. They have us using Twitter and Facebook a lot at my job. I guess it’s newspaper media’s last ditch effort to connect to the world. Anyway it just morphed from there.

Facebook and Twitter have become my coffee and cigarette. Not that I’m a big user of those vices but the comparison is pretty spot on. And ever since I bought this blasted iPhone, I am on the social network high all day, everyday. In fact, I’m typing this from the WordPress ap! What have I become? By the way, if you have a Facebook, add me and find me on Twitter @Jenice78. He he.

I finally purchased one and I feel dirty. I think it’s elitist and Apple is the super sophisticated and slick version of the monopolizing Wal-Mart. They have taken over. And they have infiltrated everything. Yet…I…can’t…stop…playing…with…the…koi…pond!

I have to admit, though a very reluctant buyer, I am enjoying this blasted thing. It’s a miniature extension of ourselves. All our cravings summed up in little applications. All our musical choices labeled and at our fingertips. Oh why, oh why have I succumbed to sheeple behavior?  Oh yea. Because it’s cool.

On Jan. 20 I watched history from the cubicles of our news office.

I’m sure many of you as well, with permission from your bosses or not, popped open a few windows on your computer and tuned in as President Barack Obama was sworn in as the first African-American president. This has been something we have heard for a long while — this word “first.” I have to say it was a moment that I will never forget. And from the stories of my parents’ past, it was a very significant day moving toward healing the wounds of a time where I may not have been able to even write these words to you today.

However,  I also know that this huge job of being president works beyond cultural background or the color of one’s skin. And I only hope that President Obama will be able to work to mend America. What his new presidency has surely done so far is bring people together. But what has to be the one thing I can’t stop thinking about among all this “history” is the constant comparisons to Martin Luther King Jr. The constant comparisons to the days of Camelot. And the constant sheer hero-worship of a man not even my father’s age running our country.

We just don’t know what President Obama will ultimately accomplish yet we have already deemed him our savior. Yes, I do know that the Bush administration, one I have never been in favor of, no longer being in power is something to be celebrated. At this point I feel anyone who would have spoke differently than the words of former President Bush would have sparked hope in us all. And once we came together as a nation and elected someone I thought I would never see in office, we proved that we know that we can move beyond our past. I just get nervous when we put all of our hopes and dreams in one man…a man who will have four long years to make this country better.

I am not saying I’m pro-Obama or against him. What he stands for is hard for me not to take notice because, yes, I am a black female. But I don’t let that get in the way of seeing things without rose-tinted glasses. When I voted, I was middle of the road on both Obama and McCain. My final decision was not made lightly. I had a hard time grappling with what I believed and what I wanted from our president. I wanted a third option I could believe in and when that didn’t come, I marked accordingly…somewhat half-hearted in the end because I knew I still had doubts. When we expect everything out of one man, we are doomed to be disappointed to some varying degree almost every time.

As exciting as yesterday was for us all, I still had in the back of my mind: What does this really mean?  My hero-worship is more of what I hope our country can become in the next four years…as people not just lead by this one man, but led by our hearts and heads. That is what we should believe in.

Last year I posted my resolutions. I even went as far as making a page on here about them. I can pretty much say if sticking to resolutions were a class I probably made a C- or maybe a D? You can read them all here. But I’m going to recap.

1. Never watch Beaches again. Reminds me too much of a friend I miss dearly. (Check. And that friend and I are in the same zip code now.)

2. Stop yelling every time something doesn’t go my way. (I did pretty well with this one…)

3. Here’s the most common of all: Lose a total of 30 pounds by next year. (Well this didn’t happen. But you can read why here. All I have to say is I have an Oprah excuse.)

4. Keep up calorie-counting. (Um yeah…that got old.)

5. Get over the things I can’t change. That’s a big one. (Bombed.)

6. Make myself more available when it comes to sparking new relationships. It’s time I’ve found grown up events and places (i.e. not bars) to frequent to nab me a man…(First part. Yes. Second part…um yea.)

7. MAKE MORE MONEY. (This did happen. And my photography helped a little as well.)

8. Travel. No excuses of money, time or if I can get people to join me.  (My three-month stint at “love” took me to Vegas.)

9. Get my dream lens…at all costs. A new camera won’t hurt either.  (Check and check. But now I have another dream lens I want.)

10. Complain less. That’s a hard one so I have one caveat: Complain less to people in person and get it all out on my blog.  (I did pretty damn good with this one, considering where I had to start. Only I wish that I blogged more.)

So I’m ready to get going on this year’s set of resolutions that I am going to work like hell to actually complete. This is a new year that I have been waiting for all last year. Last year was a real challenge.

Read my 2009 list after the jump…

1.) I’m going to stick to the generic stuff again about losing more weight but at least I have some items and folks in my arsenal:

My trainer. You will hear more of her later this year. And my synthroid. I’m hoping I can still try for that 30 pounds…

2.) Still want to travel more. And I’m putting Austin’s famed SXSW on my list of places. Sure I’ve been before but that was nearly three years ago. Time to make another appearance.

3.) I’m going to start changing the things I thought I couldn’t change. But in all seriousness, this never comes with accepting the ones that I can’t so maybe I should aim lower this year and just say I won’t throw a fit when they don’t change.

4.) Take more me time. I so tried this the last few months of 2008. It’s something that seems so simple but so few of us seem to do.

5.) Improve my skills/talents. That means I need to brush up on my Spanish, improve my fish dishes and learn how to turn my second bedroom into a fully functioning photography studio. Easy right?

6.) I need to take a page out of this lady’s book and find another strategy. Going to bars to meet guys is getting old, costly and far from being free of  guilty pleasure.

7.) Grow in my spirituality. That will be a bit hard for me. I’ve only just started going to church again. And a new religion at that. I’m now a Unitarian and so far so good. I just need to learn to trust my faith more and that is surely going to be a worthwhile resolution. We shall see how I do.

One thing is for sure through all of this…I plan not to self-destruct. I spent many days of 2008 being sick, then worrying, giving up drinking and then just ended up back to my old standard of Tuaca shots. Not to mention meaningless “relationships” that never amounted to much more than instant gratifications. I may be a bit too honest here but I don’t think  Unitarians do confession booths. I let this blog speak for itself. And as reminder that I should not disappoint myself.

And it’s the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! And only a week after freezing conditions. It’s official. Either Texas is located in Hades or the world is ending.